Unmasked

Can I admit something? Are you ready?

I'm a jealous person. There, I said it. I really dislike this quality about me. Well, I'm not sure who really enjoys being jealous. I hate the feelings that come when someone tells me something that I feel I should already know. For example, today Bethany told me that she and Teaven went out to lunch before Spring Break, and for some reason, I didn't know about it. Now, I realize that it is highly possible that Teaven told me and I just forgot, but I still became jealous. Questions like, Why didn't he tell me? Why would he come to Belton to have lunch with her, but I always have to go see him? entered my mind. Now, this would be a completely different story if it was some random girl I didn't know, but I know they're just friends. I shouldn't be jealous because I go out with Josh all the time, and Teaven is fine with it. It even happens with friends every once in a while. I'll get jealous because I'm not invited to something. Why am I so insecure? Why can't I just blow it off and not care? I trust Teaven, and I know he is an amazing guy who loves me immensely. But, for some reason, I can't seem to get over my insecurities. I need a lot of reassurance, and honestly, most of the time I pretend to be stronger than I really am. I don't admit my failures. I try to hide them.

I need to accept who I am. I need Jesus.

Goals

My birthday was so wonderful!!! I was beginning to think that nobody cared about it, but God took me by surprise.

I've been realizing more and more that some things I learned in counseling have slipped my mind. One thing my counselor told me was that I needed to get rid of my expectations. Whenever I have expectations and they don't pan out the way I want, I can get really frustrated and let it affect everything. When I was conciously making an effort to have no expectations, I was much happier and things were much better, but I seemed to have forgotten all about that. That's something I'm definitely going to have to work harder to achieve.

So, I decided that I'm going to run a 5k. I'm going to do it. It's my summer goal. For some reason, I want to love running. Now, I understand that I am not good at running, but I want to be good at it. I want running to be my escape from everything. Therefore, I figure if I have a goal, I will be much more likely to find this love for running deep down inside me... and become better at it.

6 days til engagement pictures! I seriously am so excited about this. I keep talking to Teaven about what we will wear, and I think he's a little annoyed. Thank God he loves me. :)

23 days til my last final. holy. cow. I cannot believe that time passes so quickly.

Curious

I'm not really sure what to say...

I had an awesome time with Brooke on Thursday and bought some really cute new clothes.

Work on Saturday wasn't as successful because it was really slow.

Easter was pretty good. Teaven and I had a "date". We got Chili's take-out and watched The Proposal. I love those kinds of dates.. basically, I just love being with him.

I'm finally beginning to admit that I can be sensitive. I can be really sensitive. I don't know why I try to lie to myself and pretend to be something I'm not. It never works out. I take things said to me very personally, even when they're not really meant to hurt.

I'm also curious to know why my relationship with God can be such an up and down experience. One week I'm doing great; the next is not so great. Can't I just want him all the time? Why can't I always desire more time with him? Why do I let silly things stand in the way?

I have to go to class now. Typical.

Frustration

Two in one day? I know. Awesome.

Today Teaven called me and he was crying, which rarely happens. Turns out, his mentor teacher basically told him he's going to be an awful teacher and would never recommend him for a job at the high school because he doesn't want to work with someone like Teaven. Can you believe that? This guy laid it into Teaven, but there is no way in heck that he deserves it. I am furious that someone would tear him down so much. I am frustrated that I couldn't be there to comfort him. I am hurting because he is hurt. It just makes me so mad that people can be beyond rude to another person. Teaven is already stressed enough about finding a job in the Killeen area. He doesn't need any more.

I know God will work everything out, and I know that Teaven knows that. I want Satan to get his sorry little butt out of our lives. He can try as hard as he wants to bring us down, but it won't work. With Christ by our side, I know Teaven can rise above this. I just pray he can make it through the rest of the semester without being wounded again.

Lift Teaven up. He's hurting.

Faithful

I suppose it's time for a new update. Spring Break was so much fun. I loved spending time with my nieces and nephews. Unfortunately, Spring Break is over, and the school work has once again become overwhelming. I am very much looking forward to being finished with school.

I've been approached with an opportunity to babysit this summer. I'm not sure if I want to do it or not yet. I could still work at Olive Garden as well and make money to save for my wedding, but we'll see what happens.

I've been entangled in sin. I feel like a fish caught in a net. As much as I fight, I just can't seem to wiggle my way out. Everything has come to the surface lately, and I'm just so disgusted with myself. I think the net is tearing, and I can see a way out. Thankfully, our God remains faithful, even when I am faithless.

I don't really have much more to say at this point. I'm ready for consistent warm weather and playing outside all day.

Countdown:
-16 days until my birthday and camping
-24 days until engagement pictures!!!!
-41 days until my last final of the semester!

Free

Tonight, I feel so free. I feel like a thousand-pound weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and I can just breathe. It's such an amazing feeling to know things are on the right path again.

I'm not going to write much because I need to go to sleep.

God has been with me every step. I'm in his hands. Always. Forever.

"If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." Psalm 139:9-10

Thanks for your prayers.

Exhaustion

I don't even know what to say to describe everything that has happened this week. I feel so overwhelmed and exhausted. I've been hit physically, emotionally, mentally, and I'm close to the point where I just want to scream because I'm sick of it all.

I feel like an actual college student this week. The kind of college student that sits in Starbucks for hours working on homework and basically spends every moment studying for the next test. I know that's nothing to some people, but I'm exhausted. I know it will only continue through the next week, but I know God will give me the strength to persevere.

I've been hurt, and I'm not exactly sure how to handle it. I'm so frustrated and just want to relinquish all of my pent up emotions. I can't stop thinking, feeling. I just want to be held close and told I'm wonderful and beautiful... all the things I don't feel right now. I want tenderness and sensitivity.

Then, God gently whispers that I am beautiful and wonderful to him. His most precious creation. He loved me before I was born. My beauty can only be found in him, and I am searching. He is my everything. I feel so close and loved by him right now, and I don't want to lose that again. It happens so easily.

"My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare." Psalm 25:15

Sorry I'm such a Debbie downer this week.

In happier news, my countdown!
-6 days until Spring Break
-35 days until my birthday and camping!
-43 days until engagement pictures!
-60 days until I am a college senior