Teaven and I have found the perfect place to have our wedding. It is everything I have ever dreamed of. I always had dreams as a little girl that I would get married in a mansion or something and walk down stairs in my beautiful wedding gown with everyone looking at me but my eyes solely on the man I am marrying. Given our financial situation, I never thought I would get married in a place this beautiful. I am so happy. I'm no longer apathetic about wedding planning. I'm more excited than ever.
I'm just so happy. Happy to be marrying a great man. Happy to know that my best friends will be standing by my side and being silly with me. Happy to know my family supports this desicion and is excited with me.
My parents have surprised me through all of this. My older sister always told me that my mom never really helped her with her planning, so I wasn't expecting much from my mom. However, on Wednesday, my mom went with me to the place and fell just as much in love as I did. AND that morning, my dad offered to go around town with me looking at other places. They have offered to pay for the venue, which is much more than I was expecting from them. It's so sweet for them to be so genuine and excited for us.
I'm still having issues with my older sister. I'm not sure what's up with her... maybe just the pregnancy, but she's hurt my feelings some in the past few weeks. First about Russia and then about me not making her a bridesmaid. I think she may just be jealous, but I hope she is more encourging as the time comes closer to my wedding.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Control
Part of my problem is that I don't believe I am strong enough or capable of change.
The other part of my problem is that I don't believe that God is able to change me.
I am not secure in the love Christ has for me, which, in turn, makes me not secure in the love I have for myself.
I don't want that to be true, but it is. I know that I am not strong enough. I know that I am unable to permantly change my behaviors on my own. Sure, I can cover it up for a little while and make it seem like everything is just fine and dandy, but then the same thing happens again. My insecurities shine through. Why do I have such a hard time letting someone else be in control of my life? Why can't I sit back and let God work through me? I keep telling myself over and over again that I don't know what to do, but maybe the reality is I don't want to do it. I fight it with every fiber in my being, and I don't know how to do anything different.
Can I let go?
The other part of my problem is that I don't believe that God is able to change me.
I am not secure in the love Christ has for me, which, in turn, makes me not secure in the love I have for myself.
I don't want that to be true, but it is. I know that I am not strong enough. I know that I am unable to permantly change my behaviors on my own. Sure, I can cover it up for a little while and make it seem like everything is just fine and dandy, but then the same thing happens again. My insecurities shine through. Why do I have such a hard time letting someone else be in control of my life? Why can't I sit back and let God work through me? I keep telling myself over and over again that I don't know what to do, but maybe the reality is I don't want to do it. I fight it with every fiber in my being, and I don't know how to do anything different.
Can I let go?
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Days
Next summer just continues to get more exciting for me. I just found out that Heather and Jake want to pay for us to visit them in Washington for the 4th of July. She said she's going to book us two nights in a cute little bed and breakfast as well. I love spending 4th of July with that family. When I was texting her yesterday, I had the biggest grin on my face at the thought of traveling with my husband. We won't have to sleep in separate beds anymore and we'll be allowed to stay at a bed and breakfast. It's just so exciting to me. Every dream I ever had as a little girl is coming true.
343 days until I no longer have to sleep alone at night.
On a less happy note, I was talking with my older sister today about the possibility of Teaven and I moving to Russia next year, and she was not encouraging at all. She told me to make sure I gave God the eraser, implying that I was completely counting on going to Russia and if we didn't our world would fall apart. That is so not true. I know there is a huge possibility we won't go to Russia. I will be content where ever God make take us because I know that is where he wants us. If we're in the center of his will, nothing else matters. She told me I wouldn't make it because of the food and it'd be such a culture shock. Of course it'd be a culture shock, but they would prepare me, and that's the adventure in moving to another country, learning and living someone else's culture. It just really upset me.
Anywho, thanks to Allye, I now know that there's only 299 days til graduation! Next summer's going to be awesome for sure.
343 days until I no longer have to sleep alone at night.
On a less happy note, I was talking with my older sister today about the possibility of Teaven and I moving to Russia next year, and she was not encouraging at all. She told me to make sure I gave God the eraser, implying that I was completely counting on going to Russia and if we didn't our world would fall apart. That is so not true. I know there is a huge possibility we won't go to Russia. I will be content where ever God make take us because I know that is where he wants us. If we're in the center of his will, nothing else matters. She told me I wouldn't make it because of the food and it'd be such a culture shock. Of course it'd be a culture shock, but they would prepare me, and that's the adventure in moving to another country, learning and living someone else's culture. It just really upset me.
Anywho, thanks to Allye, I now know that there's only 299 days til graduation! Next summer's going to be awesome for sure.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Creepy-Crawly
I felt like blogging this morning when I woke up.
My week went from being pretty boring to full of exciting things. Today, I work a double, which isn't all that exciting. lol. Tomorrow is the midnight showing on Eclipse (YAY!). Wednesday Teaven and I are having lunch with Amie and Bryan, our friends from when we were in high school. We all used to hang out all the time, and then they got married and moved away. We saw Amie last year, but this is the first time we've seen Bryan since they got married in March 2007. Bryan and Teaven were best friends, so it'll be fun to see them back together. Thursday I'm going to lunch with Ashlee before she heads home for the rest of the summer, and later that day I have to meet with Matt about RA training stuff we're planning. Then, Sunday Teaven and I are going to see Brooke and hang with her for the holiday (SUPER YAY!). So, that's my busy week for you.
Oh man, Teaven and I have been finding so many spiders in my house! As most of you know, Teaven is deathly afraid of spiders, and I'm not too fond of them myself. Well, he text me one night while I was at work that he saw a HUGE spider in the kitchen and couldn't make dinner (I had to bring some home for him. lol) Well, I was freaked out because he said it was bigger than his palm! I never saw it... until........ I was cleaning the kitchen. My family has a lot of junk in our house. We have useless items that we never use and they just collect dust. Well, whenever I clean, I throw things away that I don't feel are necessary because it will make life so much easier without it. So, I'm cleaning away, and I am about to throw away a tri-fold poster board that was behind the table. It was mine from the CRU CUP event, so I decided to open it and see what it looked like. WELL, when I opened it this HUGE spider crawled out. I literally screamed and jumped back. Then, I bravely lifted my shoe and killed it. I cautiously open the board again and an even bigger spider crawls out. I'm nervous about killing this one with my flip flop, so I ran to my room and got my tennis shoe. Thankfully it was still sitting there, and with one WHACK, it died. Oh man, I swear I almost had a heart attack when those things came crawling out. I just wish they would stay outside where they belong.
Alright, I must get ready for work now.
My week went from being pretty boring to full of exciting things. Today, I work a double, which isn't all that exciting. lol. Tomorrow is the midnight showing on Eclipse (YAY!). Wednesday Teaven and I are having lunch with Amie and Bryan, our friends from when we were in high school. We all used to hang out all the time, and then they got married and moved away. We saw Amie last year, but this is the first time we've seen Bryan since they got married in March 2007. Bryan and Teaven were best friends, so it'll be fun to see them back together. Thursday I'm going to lunch with Ashlee before she heads home for the rest of the summer, and later that day I have to meet with Matt about RA training stuff we're planning. Then, Sunday Teaven and I are going to see Brooke and hang with her for the holiday (SUPER YAY!). So, that's my busy week for you.
Oh man, Teaven and I have been finding so many spiders in my house! As most of you know, Teaven is deathly afraid of spiders, and I'm not too fond of them myself. Well, he text me one night while I was at work that he saw a HUGE spider in the kitchen and couldn't make dinner (I had to bring some home for him. lol) Well, I was freaked out because he said it was bigger than his palm! I never saw it... until........ I was cleaning the kitchen. My family has a lot of junk in our house. We have useless items that we never use and they just collect dust. Well, whenever I clean, I throw things away that I don't feel are necessary because it will make life so much easier without it. So, I'm cleaning away, and I am about to throw away a tri-fold poster board that was behind the table. It was mine from the CRU CUP event, so I decided to open it and see what it looked like. WELL, when I opened it this HUGE spider crawled out. I literally screamed and jumped back. Then, I bravely lifted my shoe and killed it. I cautiously open the board again and an even bigger spider crawls out. I'm nervous about killing this one with my flip flop, so I ran to my room and got my tennis shoe. Thankfully it was still sitting there, and with one WHACK, it died. Oh man, I swear I almost had a heart attack when those things came crawling out. I just wish they would stay outside where they belong.
Alright, I must get ready for work now.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Adventure
Arkansas was wonderful. I really enjoyed watching Teaven's mom get married and meeting more of his family members. They are so funny! The beginning of the trip was probably the most awful 2 days ever, but the rest went quite smoothly. I'll write more about those 2 days some other time. Spending time with Teaven was great. We work so well together when we don't have to be separated by distance. Less than a year now! I'm stoked.
So, I have to write this devotional for the RA manual, and I feel like I'm learning a lot from it. Wedding plans and money to make those plans a reality have really been taking up most of my thoughts and making me worry(see last blog). However, I've been pointed to this verse numerous times: "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21
I can plan and plan, but no matter what God's purpose will out rule mine every time. And, honestly, I like it better that way. It's been a crazy roller coaster with Teaven's job too, but it's been awesome to see how God is working in both situations and our hearts.
We've been talking about going to Russia again. I've been wondering lately if God isn't giving Teaven an actual job quite yet because He wants us to be there next year. I don't know, but I'm excited for whatever adventure is placed before us. Instead of being fearful, I am reminded that the best place to be is in the center of God's will and leave everything else up to him.
Teaven and I saw this on the wall in a steakhouse we ate dinner at in Arkansas. We both thought it was very fitting with what God has been teaching us.Sunday, June 13, 2010
Update
I feel like all of my blogs lately have been about my engagement. I'm sorry to my readers, but this is, yet again, about my engagement.
I need prayer.
I have been seriously worrying about where the money will come from for our wedding. I am not making nearly as much as I had hoped because it's been so slow, and I'm disappointed in myself. However, I've come to the realization that I can't do this. There's no way that's going to happen. That's a good place to be for me because I come to a place of complete surrender and reliance on God. So, friends, please pray that I remain in surrender and have trust. I know that whatever happens, I'm still marrying my best friend, and my marriage needs to be more of my focus than my wedding.
Teaven and I leave for Arkansas today. His mom is getting married there. We're both really tired, so I hope we get some rest... although, we will be sleeping on air mattresses in a house that may or may not have air conditioning. :/ I'm looking forward to it. I don't know what to expect, which is a good thing, I suppose, since my counselor always told me not to have any expectations.
Other than that, I don't really know what to say because I'm super tired. I'm surprised I even updated at all.
Farewell for now. :)
I need prayer.
I have been seriously worrying about where the money will come from for our wedding. I am not making nearly as much as I had hoped because it's been so slow, and I'm disappointed in myself. However, I've come to the realization that I can't do this. There's no way that's going to happen. That's a good place to be for me because I come to a place of complete surrender and reliance on God. So, friends, please pray that I remain in surrender and have trust. I know that whatever happens, I'm still marrying my best friend, and my marriage needs to be more of my focus than my wedding.
Teaven and I leave for Arkansas today. His mom is getting married there. We're both really tired, so I hope we get some rest... although, we will be sleeping on air mattresses in a house that may or may not have air conditioning. :/ I'm looking forward to it. I don't know what to expect, which is a good thing, I suppose, since my counselor always told me not to have any expectations.
Other than that, I don't really know what to say because I'm super tired. I'm surprised I even updated at all.
Farewell for now. :)
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Disappointment
I thought for a day that it would be possible for Teaven and I to get married. I told myself not to get too excited because I still had a lot to work out. Unfortunately, I got excited. I realized that I could be getting married in 6 short months, less than 200 days. Then, today I allowed myself to accept the fact that it's just not going to happen. There are too many factors working against us. Although I was quite disappointed, I knew it just wasn't meant to be for us. As hard as it is right now to wait and be patient, I know it will all be worth it in the end. I won't have any regrets, and I will be the happiest woman on the planet. We've waited so long already, what's another 6 months right?
I just want to marry him. I want to be able to talk late into the night and fall asleep right next to him. I don't want to have to talk to him on the phone anymore. For those of you who don't know, we're not good at long distance stuff... and Killeen isn't even that far from Belton.
However, I will be happy for every moment I have with him this summer. I will be happy to be spending my senior year at school. I will be happy that God has placed such an amazing man in my life.
One year isn't too long right?
I just want to marry him. I want to be able to talk late into the night and fall asleep right next to him. I don't want to have to talk to him on the phone anymore. For those of you who don't know, we're not good at long distance stuff... and Killeen isn't even that far from Belton.
However, I will be happy for every moment I have with him this summer. I will be happy to be spending my senior year at school. I will be happy that God has placed such an amazing man in my life.
One year isn't too long right?
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