Oh man, how do I even begin to describe how crazy the last couple of weeks has been? RA training was exhausting, but I honestly had a lot of fun. I'm glad it's over though. God has put together such an amazing group this year, and I'm so excited to get to know each of these girls better. Being head RA has its tough moments, but it's been good so far.
I love freshmen. These girls are so fresh and excited about the new year. I think my opinion of what an RA is has changed so much since sophomore year. I'm much more relaxed with the rules. This year, I long to be relational. If I change my attitude, I know I'll make such a bigger impact. I've got to start from the beginning though. Their first impression of me will set the tone for the rest of the semester.
I still haven't gotten a job. I've been discouraged, but I know God has a reason for this, even though I may not see it yet. I'm just focusing on placing my trust in him as I continue to look for other positions.
Part of me is ready for school to start... ready for it to be over with.. Another part of me just wants to keep putting it off. I don't want to start school and homework and papers and tests. It's my last semester though, which makes my motivation much higher.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Moving back
I can't believe I move back to school in a week. Where has this summer gone? It's bittersweet thinking about moving back. I'm so excited to get back to school and be surrounded by some wonderful people. I'm excited about dinner and coffee dates, RA meetings, and freshmen. I'm excited that it's my last semester of real classes. However, I'm not excited to live away from Teaven again. It's been so nice having him here with me all summer and going back to only phone communication will be difficult. BUT, in less than a year, I won't ever have to live away from him again. That is exciting!
I may be quitting my job at Olive Garden. They told me that I had to work 3 days a week, and I just don't want to do that with my schoool load and RA stuff. I've been emailing families trying to find some babysitting jobs, and so far, I've come up with 2 great ones. If I do land these jobs, I'll probably quit. It's kind of crazy to think about because I didn't think it would happen this soon.
I'm still working through my insecurity issues. Honestly, though, I haven't been spending as much time in reflection as I should. I'll post more about that at another time.
I may be quitting my job at Olive Garden. They told me that I had to work 3 days a week, and I just don't want to do that with my schoool load and RA stuff. I've been emailing families trying to find some babysitting jobs, and so far, I've come up with 2 great ones. If I do land these jobs, I'll probably quit. It's kind of crazy to think about because I didn't think it would happen this soon.
I'm still working through my insecurity issues. Honestly, though, I haven't been spending as much time in reflection as I should. I'll post more about that at another time.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Insecure
I've been dealing with a lot of junk lately, and in all honestly, I'm tired of hiding it from people because more likely than not there are a lot of others out there who are struggling with the same thing. So, from here on out, I'm laying it all out there, and as I do, I'm asking that you pray with me as I fight this battle of and win once and for all.
I need other people. Well, at least that's what I keep thinking. I can't feel valuable, beautiful, worthy of love unless people tell me or show me that I am. This lie is what has brought me to the place that I am. This lie has produced nights full of tears and hurt because I lack self-confidence and self-worth. A big part of this problem comes from the man in my life. Ok, it's not anything he has done directly but rather what I am trying to get from him that screws me up.
Beth Moore put it this way in her book So Long Insecurity: You've Been a Bad Friend to Us, "We use guys like mirrors to see if we're valuable. Beautiful. Desirable. Worthy of notice. Viable. We try to read their expressions and moods in order to determine whether it's time to act smart and hard-to-get or play dumb and needy."
When I read these words, I couldn't help but agree with everything. Honestly, though, I know Teaven finds me beautiful, desirable, worthy of notice. He's told me numerous times.
My problem is that I don't believe it myself. I don't believe in myself enough to get this problem fixed. Oh sure, I fix the problem temporarily, but somehow, it comes up over and over again, and I can't seem to get rid of it. I was reading in my journal from last September (right before I started counseling) and every thought, every question that I had was repeating it self over and over again. A couple of things stood out to me.
1. I kept asking God how he could still find me beautiful when I mess up. I beat myself up so much when I fail. How could you do that again? Didn't you learn the first time? Will I ever learn? Will I ever be able to change? How can I believe that you find me beautiful if I don't believe it myself?
2. I said, "Do I believe the truths of the Bible or do I just know them?" This struck me to the core because I don't think I ever answered that question. However, I am seeking that truth right now. I am believing the words on the page as I read God's many promises to his children.
As I continued to look back in other journals, I saw the same thing over and over again. A cry to feel beautiful, desirable, cherished. A longing for a security that comes from a source that will never run dry, never give up on me, never fail me. I can't find that kind of security in people. I can't find that kind of security in Teaven.
It won't be short. It won't be easy, but it will be found.
I need other people. Well, at least that's what I keep thinking. I can't feel valuable, beautiful, worthy of love unless people tell me or show me that I am. This lie is what has brought me to the place that I am. This lie has produced nights full of tears and hurt because I lack self-confidence and self-worth. A big part of this problem comes from the man in my life. Ok, it's not anything he has done directly but rather what I am trying to get from him that screws me up.
Beth Moore put it this way in her book So Long Insecurity: You've Been a Bad Friend to Us, "We use guys like mirrors to see if we're valuable. Beautiful. Desirable. Worthy of notice. Viable. We try to read their expressions and moods in order to determine whether it's time to act smart and hard-to-get or play dumb and needy."
When I read these words, I couldn't help but agree with everything. Honestly, though, I know Teaven finds me beautiful, desirable, worthy of notice. He's told me numerous times.
My problem is that I don't believe it myself. I don't believe in myself enough to get this problem fixed. Oh sure, I fix the problem temporarily, but somehow, it comes up over and over again, and I can't seem to get rid of it. I was reading in my journal from last September (right before I started counseling) and every thought, every question that I had was repeating it self over and over again. A couple of things stood out to me.
1. I kept asking God how he could still find me beautiful when I mess up. I beat myself up so much when I fail. How could you do that again? Didn't you learn the first time? Will I ever learn? Will I ever be able to change? How can I believe that you find me beautiful if I don't believe it myself?
2. I said, "Do I believe the truths of the Bible or do I just know them?" This struck me to the core because I don't think I ever answered that question. However, I am seeking that truth right now. I am believing the words on the page as I read God's many promises to his children.
As I continued to look back in other journals, I saw the same thing over and over again. A cry to feel beautiful, desirable, cherished. A longing for a security that comes from a source that will never run dry, never give up on me, never fail me. I can't find that kind of security in people. I can't find that kind of security in Teaven.
It won't be short. It won't be easy, but it will be found.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Wedding, wedding, wedding...
Teaven and I have found the perfect place to have our wedding. It is everything I have ever dreamed of. I always had dreams as a little girl that I would get married in a mansion or something and walk down stairs in my beautiful wedding gown with everyone looking at me but my eyes solely on the man I am marrying. Given our financial situation, I never thought I would get married in a place this beautiful. I am so happy. I'm no longer apathetic about wedding planning. I'm more excited than ever.
I'm just so happy. Happy to be marrying a great man. Happy to know that my best friends will be standing by my side and being silly with me. Happy to know my family supports this desicion and is excited with me.
My parents have surprised me through all of this. My older sister always told me that my mom never really helped her with her planning, so I wasn't expecting much from my mom. However, on Wednesday, my mom went with me to the place and fell just as much in love as I did. AND that morning, my dad offered to go around town with me looking at other places. They have offered to pay for the venue, which is much more than I was expecting from them. It's so sweet for them to be so genuine and excited for us.
I'm still having issues with my older sister. I'm not sure what's up with her... maybe just the pregnancy, but she's hurt my feelings some in the past few weeks. First about Russia and then about me not making her a bridesmaid. I think she may just be jealous, but I hope she is more encourging as the time comes closer to my wedding.
I'm just so happy. Happy to be marrying a great man. Happy to know that my best friends will be standing by my side and being silly with me. Happy to know my family supports this desicion and is excited with me.
My parents have surprised me through all of this. My older sister always told me that my mom never really helped her with her planning, so I wasn't expecting much from my mom. However, on Wednesday, my mom went with me to the place and fell just as much in love as I did. AND that morning, my dad offered to go around town with me looking at other places. They have offered to pay for the venue, which is much more than I was expecting from them. It's so sweet for them to be so genuine and excited for us.
I'm still having issues with my older sister. I'm not sure what's up with her... maybe just the pregnancy, but she's hurt my feelings some in the past few weeks. First about Russia and then about me not making her a bridesmaid. I think she may just be jealous, but I hope she is more encourging as the time comes closer to my wedding.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Control
Part of my problem is that I don't believe I am strong enough or capable of change.
The other part of my problem is that I don't believe that God is able to change me.
I am not secure in the love Christ has for me, which, in turn, makes me not secure in the love I have for myself.
I don't want that to be true, but it is. I know that I am not strong enough. I know that I am unable to permantly change my behaviors on my own. Sure, I can cover it up for a little while and make it seem like everything is just fine and dandy, but then the same thing happens again. My insecurities shine through. Why do I have such a hard time letting someone else be in control of my life? Why can't I sit back and let God work through me? I keep telling myself over and over again that I don't know what to do, but maybe the reality is I don't want to do it. I fight it with every fiber in my being, and I don't know how to do anything different.
Can I let go?
The other part of my problem is that I don't believe that God is able to change me.
I am not secure in the love Christ has for me, which, in turn, makes me not secure in the love I have for myself.
I don't want that to be true, but it is. I know that I am not strong enough. I know that I am unable to permantly change my behaviors on my own. Sure, I can cover it up for a little while and make it seem like everything is just fine and dandy, but then the same thing happens again. My insecurities shine through. Why do I have such a hard time letting someone else be in control of my life? Why can't I sit back and let God work through me? I keep telling myself over and over again that I don't know what to do, but maybe the reality is I don't want to do it. I fight it with every fiber in my being, and I don't know how to do anything different.
Can I let go?
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Days
Next summer just continues to get more exciting for me. I just found out that Heather and Jake want to pay for us to visit them in Washington for the 4th of July. She said she's going to book us two nights in a cute little bed and breakfast as well. I love spending 4th of July with that family. When I was texting her yesterday, I had the biggest grin on my face at the thought of traveling with my husband. We won't have to sleep in separate beds anymore and we'll be allowed to stay at a bed and breakfast. It's just so exciting to me. Every dream I ever had as a little girl is coming true.
343 days until I no longer have to sleep alone at night.
On a less happy note, I was talking with my older sister today about the possibility of Teaven and I moving to Russia next year, and she was not encouraging at all. She told me to make sure I gave God the eraser, implying that I was completely counting on going to Russia and if we didn't our world would fall apart. That is so not true. I know there is a huge possibility we won't go to Russia. I will be content where ever God make take us because I know that is where he wants us. If we're in the center of his will, nothing else matters. She told me I wouldn't make it because of the food and it'd be such a culture shock. Of course it'd be a culture shock, but they would prepare me, and that's the adventure in moving to another country, learning and living someone else's culture. It just really upset me.
Anywho, thanks to Allye, I now know that there's only 299 days til graduation! Next summer's going to be awesome for sure.
343 days until I no longer have to sleep alone at night.
On a less happy note, I was talking with my older sister today about the possibility of Teaven and I moving to Russia next year, and she was not encouraging at all. She told me to make sure I gave God the eraser, implying that I was completely counting on going to Russia and if we didn't our world would fall apart. That is so not true. I know there is a huge possibility we won't go to Russia. I will be content where ever God make take us because I know that is where he wants us. If we're in the center of his will, nothing else matters. She told me I wouldn't make it because of the food and it'd be such a culture shock. Of course it'd be a culture shock, but they would prepare me, and that's the adventure in moving to another country, learning and living someone else's culture. It just really upset me.
Anywho, thanks to Allye, I now know that there's only 299 days til graduation! Next summer's going to be awesome for sure.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Creepy-Crawly
I felt like blogging this morning when I woke up.
My week went from being pretty boring to full of exciting things. Today, I work a double, which isn't all that exciting. lol. Tomorrow is the midnight showing on Eclipse (YAY!). Wednesday Teaven and I are having lunch with Amie and Bryan, our friends from when we were in high school. We all used to hang out all the time, and then they got married and moved away. We saw Amie last year, but this is the first time we've seen Bryan since they got married in March 2007. Bryan and Teaven were best friends, so it'll be fun to see them back together. Thursday I'm going to lunch with Ashlee before she heads home for the rest of the summer, and later that day I have to meet with Matt about RA training stuff we're planning. Then, Sunday Teaven and I are going to see Brooke and hang with her for the holiday (SUPER YAY!). So, that's my busy week for you.
Oh man, Teaven and I have been finding so many spiders in my house! As most of you know, Teaven is deathly afraid of spiders, and I'm not too fond of them myself. Well, he text me one night while I was at work that he saw a HUGE spider in the kitchen and couldn't make dinner (I had to bring some home for him. lol) Well, I was freaked out because he said it was bigger than his palm! I never saw it... until........ I was cleaning the kitchen. My family has a lot of junk in our house. We have useless items that we never use and they just collect dust. Well, whenever I clean, I throw things away that I don't feel are necessary because it will make life so much easier without it. So, I'm cleaning away, and I am about to throw away a tri-fold poster board that was behind the table. It was mine from the CRU CUP event, so I decided to open it and see what it looked like. WELL, when I opened it this HUGE spider crawled out. I literally screamed and jumped back. Then, I bravely lifted my shoe and killed it. I cautiously open the board again and an even bigger spider crawls out. I'm nervous about killing this one with my flip flop, so I ran to my room and got my tennis shoe. Thankfully it was still sitting there, and with one WHACK, it died. Oh man, I swear I almost had a heart attack when those things came crawling out. I just wish they would stay outside where they belong.
Alright, I must get ready for work now.
My week went from being pretty boring to full of exciting things. Today, I work a double, which isn't all that exciting. lol. Tomorrow is the midnight showing on Eclipse (YAY!). Wednesday Teaven and I are having lunch with Amie and Bryan, our friends from when we were in high school. We all used to hang out all the time, and then they got married and moved away. We saw Amie last year, but this is the first time we've seen Bryan since they got married in March 2007. Bryan and Teaven were best friends, so it'll be fun to see them back together. Thursday I'm going to lunch with Ashlee before she heads home for the rest of the summer, and later that day I have to meet with Matt about RA training stuff we're planning. Then, Sunday Teaven and I are going to see Brooke and hang with her for the holiday (SUPER YAY!). So, that's my busy week for you.
Oh man, Teaven and I have been finding so many spiders in my house! As most of you know, Teaven is deathly afraid of spiders, and I'm not too fond of them myself. Well, he text me one night while I was at work that he saw a HUGE spider in the kitchen and couldn't make dinner (I had to bring some home for him. lol) Well, I was freaked out because he said it was bigger than his palm! I never saw it... until........ I was cleaning the kitchen. My family has a lot of junk in our house. We have useless items that we never use and they just collect dust. Well, whenever I clean, I throw things away that I don't feel are necessary because it will make life so much easier without it. So, I'm cleaning away, and I am about to throw away a tri-fold poster board that was behind the table. It was mine from the CRU CUP event, so I decided to open it and see what it looked like. WELL, when I opened it this HUGE spider crawled out. I literally screamed and jumped back. Then, I bravely lifted my shoe and killed it. I cautiously open the board again and an even bigger spider crawls out. I'm nervous about killing this one with my flip flop, so I ran to my room and got my tennis shoe. Thankfully it was still sitting there, and with one WHACK, it died. Oh man, I swear I almost had a heart attack when those things came crawling out. I just wish they would stay outside where they belong.
Alright, I must get ready for work now.
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