Fall... yuck.

I have quite a few words to say to all of you crazies who are writing how much you love fall.

I dislike fall very much.

The main reason: sore throat, runny nose, constant sneezing. Allergies. My least favorite type of sickness. Why? Because you never know when you will feel better. It could last days, weeks, months! Who knows? At least when you have a stomach bug or something you know just a few days down the road, maybe a week you will be feeling so much better. That's not always true with allergies. I've been feeling progressively worse for the past few weeks, and I'm just plain tired of it!

I hope I don't have allergies if I move to Russia.

I also don't like being cold... or not being able to wear flip flops.

Alright, enough of my ranting. I'm just tired of feeling awful.

On a more positive note, 11 a.m. tomorrow (or today, technically) will mark the beginning of the weekend for me. I love weekends.

I was told today that I can start work on Monday! I am so very happy about that. I'm sure it will make me even more exhausted than I already am, but I'm really hoping I will love this job since it is so closely related to my future career.

This week has been crazy. I'm quickly, well, that's a lie... I'm slowly learning that I don't even have faith as small as a mustard seed. I don't know why it's so hard for me to realize that God is bigger than all my problems, and He will sustain me.

Anyways, it's about that time.. goodnight.

Senioritis

I have an awful case of senioritis, and with each passing week, it becomes more prominent. I don't want to go to class. I don't want to do my homework. I don't really want to do anything. I can make it. I will make it. There is no other option. ugh.

I have a new-found addiction to wedding blogs. They give me such great inspiration and ideas. I've not reached the stressful part of planning yet. Well, except for finances, but I imagine that will be a constant stress. I know God has everything under control, so I am thankful for that.

I'm in one of those moods where I just want to sing and dance and laugh with friends, but here I sit.

Ok, I have nothing more beneficial to say. I'm sleepy, and my mind is random.

Nap Time

Holy Moly. I just took a nap and slept way longer than I intended to. I was supposed to workout with Lauren, but I didn't even hear her text. That never happens! I was drooling, and when I woke up, my hair was a hot mess. I really hope I'm not fighting anything. I'm exhausted more than usual this week, and I don't understand why. I've narrowed it down to 2 things: 1. I'm fighting an illness (Lord, I hope not!) or 2. My body is in denial that I quit drinking soda so it's making me super tired so that I'll crave it more. All I have to say is, Body, please let up soon.

Anyways, on to other news. I got the job I've been wanting! It's so nice to know that the Lord is taking care of my needs even if it's in a way that I didn't expect or necessarily welcome. I'm really excited about this job because I think I'll really enjoy it, and it will give me really good experience. Plus, I'll be able to save money for my wedding.

Speaking of wedding, plans have slowed down quite a bit. I don't have much to do at this stage until I start making some money to put a deposit down on the catering. It's hard to wait, but the days go by so quickly that I'm losing track of time. The days feel so short that I don't even have enough time to get everything done. It's really crazy.

i'm going to the Hot Air Balloon Festival in New Mexico in 3 weeks with Josh, Jordan, Teaven, Abby and Bethany. It's really exciting because it's kind of like a senior trip for all of us, even though Teaven already graduated. We're pretending he hasn't since he never really got a senior trip. It should be a really fun weekend.

I'm going to the spa on Friday with my sister. I'm really excited to have some time to relax.

On to my countdowns:
-85 days til the end of the semester
-234 days til Graduation
-276 days til my wedding!

It's all getting so close!

New Beginnings

As of one hour ago, I am no longer an employee of Olive Garden. I know that this was the right decision. They weren't very happy with me only working one day a week anyway.

School is going well. It's keeping me really busy, but I'm enjoying most of my classes this semester. Last week when I went to Starbucks to do homework, I tried this new drink called Toffee Mocha. Oh my, it's delicious. I can't wait to go drink another one. I'm sure I'll find myself at Starbucks sometime this week.

I am so thankful for this 3 day weekend. It's sad to think I need a break after being in school for 2 weeks, but it's been so nice to get away.

Wedding plans have been put on hold until I get settled into my schedule and get a job. I'm really hoping this after school job with Temple ISD works out.

Getting ready to apply for graduation and take the THEA this week. That puts me one step closer to graduation. CRAZY!


243 days til Graduation!
285 days til my wedding!

Fears, Tears, and First Impressions

Oh man, how do I even begin to describe how crazy the last couple of weeks has been? RA training was exhausting, but I honestly had a lot of fun. I'm glad it's over though. God has put together such an amazing group this year, and I'm so excited to get to know each of these girls better. Being head RA has its tough moments, but it's been good so far.

I love freshmen. These girls are so fresh and excited about the new year. I think my opinion of what an RA is has changed so much since sophomore year. I'm much more relaxed with the rules. This year, I long to be relational. If I change my attitude, I know I'll make such a bigger impact. I've got to start from the beginning though. Their first impression of me will set the tone for the rest of the semester.

I still haven't gotten a job. I've been discouraged, but I know God has a reason for this, even though I may not see it yet. I'm just focusing on placing my trust in him as I continue to look for other positions.

Part of me is ready for school to start... ready for it to be over with.. Another part of me just wants to keep putting it off. I don't want to start school and homework and papers and tests. It's my last semester though, which makes my motivation much higher.

Moving back

I can't believe I move back to school in a week. Where has this summer gone? It's bittersweet thinking about moving back. I'm so excited to get back to school and be surrounded by some wonderful people. I'm excited about dinner and coffee dates, RA meetings, and freshmen. I'm excited that it's my last semester of real classes. However, I'm not excited to live away from Teaven again. It's been so nice having him here with me all summer and going back to only phone communication will be difficult. BUT, in less than a year, I won't ever have to live away from him again. That is exciting!

I may be quitting my job at Olive Garden. They told me that I had to work 3 days a week, and I just don't want to do that with my schoool load and RA stuff. I've been emailing families trying to find some babysitting jobs, and so far, I've come up with 2 great ones. If I do land these jobs, I'll probably quit. It's kind of crazy to think about because I didn't think it would happen this soon.

I'm still working through my insecurity issues. Honestly, though, I haven't been spending as much time in reflection as I should. I'll post more about that at another time.

Insecure

I've been dealing with a lot of junk lately, and in all honestly, I'm tired of hiding it from people because more likely than not there are a lot of others out there who are struggling with the same thing. So, from here on out, I'm laying it all out there, and as I do, I'm asking that you pray with me as I fight this battle of and win once and for all.



I need other people. Well, at least that's what I keep thinking. I can't feel valuable, beautiful, worthy of love unless people tell me or show me that I am. This lie is what has brought me to the place that I am. This lie has produced nights full of tears and hurt because I lack self-confidence and self-worth. A big part of this problem comes from the man in my life. Ok, it's not anything he has done directly but rather what I am trying to get from him that screws me up.



Beth Moore put it this way in her book So Long Insecurity: You've Been a Bad Friend to Us, "We use guys like mirrors to see if we're valuable. Beautiful. Desirable. Worthy of notice. Viable. We try to read their expressions and moods in order to determine whether it's time to act smart and hard-to-get or play dumb and needy."



When I read these words, I couldn't help but agree with everything. Honestly, though, I know Teaven finds me beautiful, desirable, worthy of notice. He's told me numerous times.



My problem is that I don't believe it myself. I don't believe in myself enough to get this problem fixed. Oh sure, I fix the problem temporarily, but somehow, it comes up over and over again, and I can't seem to get rid of it. I was reading in my journal from last September (right before I started counseling) and every thought, every question that I had was repeating it self over and over again. A couple of things stood out to me.



1. I kept asking God how he could still find me beautiful when I mess up. I beat myself up so much when I fail. How could you do that again? Didn't you learn the first time? Will I ever learn? Will I ever be able to change? How can I believe that you find me beautiful if I don't believe it myself?



2. I said, "Do I believe the truths of the Bible or do I just know them?" This struck me to the core because I don't think I ever answered that question. However, I am seeking that truth right now. I am believing the words on the page as I read God's many promises to his children.



As I continued to look back in other journals, I saw the same thing over and over again. A cry to feel beautiful, desirable, cherished. A longing for a security that comes from a source that will never run dry, never give up on me, never fail me. I can't find that kind of security in people. I can't find that kind of security in Teaven.

It won't be short. It won't be easy, but it will be found.