Need

I'm praying about going on Beach Reach again. At the beginning of the month, I was positive that I wasn't going to go, but it just seems to keep popping into my head. I don't know what to do. I know that I haven't sought God as much as I should have where this matter is concerned. I don't want this to be a decision that is solely based on my feelings or what I think is best for me. I'm scared to commit my time. I need to find peace about my decision through Christ. To my readers, please pray for me.

I'm semi-lonely, which I know is an awful thing to say since I'm surrounded by people all the time. It's true though. I feel disconnected from life because my world has basically been consumed with homework and Olive Garden. I miss my true friends who were accountability and encouragement. I miss having deep conversations about the works God is doing in our lives. I've learned that every semester brings a change, and I just have to accept it. I know we're all where God has us, and that's all that matters. To my few readers, I miss you.

I need Jesus.

Overwhelmed

This semester is stressing me out already. I have so much to do in each of my classes that I feel overwhelmed eighty percent of the time. Sometimes I just don't think I'm cut out for this school stuff. On the plus side, I am enjoying all of my classes thus far and learning a lot.

Something about this semester is really different for me, but I haven't quite figured it out. Something's changed. Yes, I know obvious things have changed. I no longer have a roommate. Brooke moved to Austin, and Teaven moved to Killeen. But this goes deeper than the surface issues. I don't know. I'm sure I'll blog about it when I figure it out.

They have started to build the new apartments for Indepenence Village, which means they took away a majority of our parking spaces. I'm not too pleased about it, but it will be nice to have even more parking once they are finished. RA interviews are drawing near, so hopefully I'll be finding out if I got Head RA pretty soon.

Tis the season for love. People are getting engaged all the time and I see more and more wedding invitations or save the dates. I'm not going to lie. Sometimes, I get frustrated that I have to wait so long and everyone else can just prance off into the sunset even though Teaven and I have been together longer. Don't get me wrong, I am very thankful for my relationship, and I know that this will be the perfect time for us. I just need patience. I know that during this time, God is preparing us to be the husband and wife we need to be. He's teaching us more and more everyday, and I'm grateful for this time I have to learn more and draw closer to him. That's the most important part.

This has been a random blog, and now I must go do homework. Story of my life.

2009

So, I have been wanting to write a blog about all the things I've learned in 2009 and what a great year it has been, but I just can't seem to find the time to sit down and dig deep into those thoughts. 2009 was a year filled with growth, love, and friendship. After praying long and hard for a friendship that would last and be fufilling, I grew close to some amazing people who are now my best friends. I went way out of my comfort zone and traveled to South Padre Island to tell drunk college kids about Jesus. This experience opened my eyes even more to the depth of God's love for his creation. I broke down and accepted help that I didn't think I needed. In all reality, I needed it more than I ever thought and am glad for the change and growth I experienced in my life during that time. I said, "Yes!" to an amazing man who wants to spend the rest of his life with me, sometimes I'm not too sure why. :) I realized how important family truly is in my life. When I think about all of these things, I can't help but be thankful that I have a loving relationship with my Savior. I am so blessed.


I saw Allye's post in pictures and thought it was a fun idea, so thanks, Allye, for the inspiration.


January:

Teaven and I went to Oklahoma City to watch the ball drop on New Years. It was such an exciting time!

February:

I was blessed with the opportunity to babysit these cute girls everyday after school. They were such fun!

March:

I went on Beach Reach. I was stretched more than I ever thought possible. I was shown just how big and awesome our God is. This was an experience I will never forget.

April:

Formal 2009. I can easily think back 3 years ago when we were headed to his senior prom. It's amazing how far God has brought us.

May:

This day just had to have more than one picture. Pictured here are some of the most amazing women I have ever met. I spent almost everyday with them. We saw each other at our best and worst. We laughed constantly, learned fervently, and loved immensley. 1 Corinthians 13.... :)

June:

As I mentioned, I love my family. We were at a wedding in Waco. The same weekend, Katie came to visit, and we went wedding dress shopping. I can post this now because she is married!!!

July:

Teaven, Terrilynn, Bethany, and I went to Six Flags. It was loads of fun! I think we most enjoyed the tea cups. :)

August:

This month, I began my new journey as an Independence Village RA. There were times when I became so lonely for the girls at Burt, but I knew that I was exactly where God wanted me. We all went on a trip to NASA. It was lots of fun. The second picture is of my Welcome Week group "Freshman 15". It was so fun to be a part of their first week of college!

September:

According to my lack of pictures, not much happened this month. I took Katie and Grant's engagement pictures. It was fun being able to room with her the semester before she got married. Although, with nursing school and wedding planning, she became crabby at times. :)

October:

So, unlike September, October was full of wonderful things. First, Josh, Jordan, Teaven, Abby, Bethany and I went camping in Abilene! It was such a fun trip. Then, I GOT ENGAGED!!! oh man, this was the best day of my life so far. I was shocked speechless. What a wonderful month.

November:

My brother, his new wife and children all visited for Thanksgiving. I had a really good time getting to know Mellissa. I love seeing my nieces and nephews. They are such fun, and it's awesome being able to watch them grow up.

December:

My sister and her family visited from Illinois for Christmas! I love her and her kids so so much. I enjoyed the time I had with them and wish I could see them more often.

Different

Things change when you get engaged. Not only are you obligated to be at your family's house for Christmas, but you have to be at your future family's house at well. Some people cringe at the thought of going to their in-laws, but I get excited. I love them and have been warmly accepted into this new family. They love and treat me as if I were their own daughter, and I can't thank God enough for that. I know that the wedding is still a year and a half away, but they're my family now.

Teaven and I decided to go to Oklahoma to visit his sister and her family as well as his mom. We're leaving on Christmas night, and when I told my little sister, she erupted with anger. "I don't see why you have to leave on Christmas... I can't believe you'd choose your boyfriend over your family." I can relate to how she is feeling. The night after my older sister got married, I cried myself to sleep because I felt like I was losing her forever. It's not easy to accept this change, especially when you don't understand it.

Sometimes I just wish she knew how much I love her. Sometimes I just wish she knew how much I care. I don't know how to show her.

Maybe in time.

Broken

I had a surprisingly great time with my brother and his new wife over Thanksgiving break. I like her. It was a little awkard when my ex sister-in-law came over with her fiance and brought my niece to visit. She has two sons who she brought as well. It's still weird not having her in my life anymore, but I think this break brought me some closure.

I feel awful for my nephew. Broken families are heart breaking. He is twelve years old and loves his little sister, Lilee, so much. Lilee lives with my ex sister-in-law, so Daniel barely gets to see her. Lilee spent the night with us a couple nights ago. We were all watching "Four Christmases" in the living room. Lilee was playing on "Bubba Daniel"...that's what she calls him. The next thing I know, Daniel is quietly sobbing on the seat next to me. He is hurting because he can never see his sister that he loves so much. The last time I saw her she didn't talk. Now, she doesn't stop talking. My heart broke in that instant. I can only pray that over time, God will heal the brokenness that Daniel has experienced in his life.

Emotions

My emotions can spin twenty different directions in ten seconds. I can feel mad, hurt, happy, furious, content.... all in a matter of a few seconds. I can't keep track of all of them, so I let the most prominent one overwhelm me and take control. I feel my anger in my fists. I want to punch or throw something. I feel my hurt in my eyes. I want to cry a tiny little river. I feel my disappointment on my shoulders, all of the blame taken upon myself.

Disappointment.

This feeling is most prominent right now.

Somehow, no matter what happens, I am able to take something and twist it so that it becomes my fault. I take complete blame on myself and then become disappointed in my actions. And even, if I don't place the blame on me, I still become disappointed in my feelings. Why do I let my feelings control me? Why do I become blinded in my anger?

Lord, enable me to change.

Searching

I haven't updated in a while. I feel like this month is flying past, and then I look back and say, "Wait, how did I miss that?" It's so crazy how life speeds up as you get closer to the end of something. The semester is almost over, which means I am only three semesters away from a graduation and a wedding. Sometimes I don't even know what to do with myself. How am I supposed to get everything done in such little time?

I've been focusing a lot lately on the concept of unconditional or unfailing love. This is a hard one for me to grasp for some reason. It's hard for me to believe that a person can love me even though I continue failing. I wonder if it has anything to do with the standard at which I hold myself. This concept intermingles with some fears I struggle with. I fear that Teaven will someday tell me he doesn't love me anymore. I fear that I will never change, and my failures will continue without ever letting me breathe.

Is my love for myself conditional? Yes, I think it is. I don't love myself when I fail. I don't love myself when I sin. I love myself when I succeed and others are proud of me. Huh.. that shows a lot about me.. others being proud of me. Why do I care so much about what other people think of me? Why do I let those opinions affect me so?

Is God's love for me conditional? Absolutely not. The other day I had the song "Unfailing Love" by Jimmy Needham stuck in my head. Later that night as I was reading my Bible, I stumbled upon this verse in Isaiah 54:10 "Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you." These are the words of the song. His unfailing love will not be shaken. This applies not only to God's love for me but for Teaven's love for me as well.

I have so many other thoughts swimming around in my head. So many unanswered questions.

I'm searching for my identitiy in Christ.