Broken

I had a surprisingly great time with my brother and his new wife over Thanksgiving break. I like her. It was a little awkard when my ex sister-in-law came over with her fiance and brought my niece to visit. She has two sons who she brought as well. It's still weird not having her in my life anymore, but I think this break brought me some closure.

I feel awful for my nephew. Broken families are heart breaking. He is twelve years old and loves his little sister, Lilee, so much. Lilee lives with my ex sister-in-law, so Daniel barely gets to see her. Lilee spent the night with us a couple nights ago. We were all watching "Four Christmases" in the living room. Lilee was playing on "Bubba Daniel"...that's what she calls him. The next thing I know, Daniel is quietly sobbing on the seat next to me. He is hurting because he can never see his sister that he loves so much. The last time I saw her she didn't talk. Now, she doesn't stop talking. My heart broke in that instant. I can only pray that over time, God will heal the brokenness that Daniel has experienced in his life.

Emotions

My emotions can spin twenty different directions in ten seconds. I can feel mad, hurt, happy, furious, content.... all in a matter of a few seconds. I can't keep track of all of them, so I let the most prominent one overwhelm me and take control. I feel my anger in my fists. I want to punch or throw something. I feel my hurt in my eyes. I want to cry a tiny little river. I feel my disappointment on my shoulders, all of the blame taken upon myself.

Disappointment.

This feeling is most prominent right now.

Somehow, no matter what happens, I am able to take something and twist it so that it becomes my fault. I take complete blame on myself and then become disappointed in my actions. And even, if I don't place the blame on me, I still become disappointed in my feelings. Why do I let my feelings control me? Why do I become blinded in my anger?

Lord, enable me to change.

Searching

I haven't updated in a while. I feel like this month is flying past, and then I look back and say, "Wait, how did I miss that?" It's so crazy how life speeds up as you get closer to the end of something. The semester is almost over, which means I am only three semesters away from a graduation and a wedding. Sometimes I don't even know what to do with myself. How am I supposed to get everything done in such little time?

I've been focusing a lot lately on the concept of unconditional or unfailing love. This is a hard one for me to grasp for some reason. It's hard for me to believe that a person can love me even though I continue failing. I wonder if it has anything to do with the standard at which I hold myself. This concept intermingles with some fears I struggle with. I fear that Teaven will someday tell me he doesn't love me anymore. I fear that I will never change, and my failures will continue without ever letting me breathe.

Is my love for myself conditional? Yes, I think it is. I don't love myself when I fail. I don't love myself when I sin. I love myself when I succeed and others are proud of me. Huh.. that shows a lot about me.. others being proud of me. Why do I care so much about what other people think of me? Why do I let those opinions affect me so?

Is God's love for me conditional? Absolutely not. The other day I had the song "Unfailing Love" by Jimmy Needham stuck in my head. Later that night as I was reading my Bible, I stumbled upon this verse in Isaiah 54:10 "Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you." These are the words of the song. His unfailing love will not be shaken. This applies not only to God's love for me but for Teaven's love for me as well.

I have so many other thoughts swimming around in my head. So many unanswered questions.

I'm searching for my identitiy in Christ.