I've been dealing with a lot of junk lately, and in all honestly, I'm tired of hiding it from people because more likely than not there are a lot of others out there who are struggling with the same thing. So, from here on out, I'm laying it all out there, and as I do, I'm asking that you pray with me as I fight this battle of and win once and for all.
I need other people. Well, at least that's what I keep thinking. I can't feel valuable, beautiful, worthy of love unless people tell me or show me that I am. This lie is what has brought me to the place that I am. This lie has produced nights full of tears and hurt because I lack self-confidence and self-worth. A big part of this problem comes from the man in my life. Ok, it's not anything he has done directly but rather what I am trying to get from him that screws me up.
Beth Moore put it this way in her book So Long Insecurity: You've Been a Bad Friend to Us, "We use guys like mirrors to see if we're valuable. Beautiful. Desirable. Worthy of notice. Viable. We try to read their expressions and moods in order to determine whether it's time to act smart and hard-to-get or play dumb and needy."
When I read these words, I couldn't help but agree with everything. Honestly, though, I know Teaven finds me beautiful, desirable, worthy of notice. He's told me numerous times.
My problem is that I don't believe it myself. I don't believe in myself enough to get this problem fixed. Oh sure, I fix the problem temporarily, but somehow, it comes up over and over again, and I can't seem to get rid of it. I was reading in my journal from last September (right before I started counseling) and every thought, every question that I had was repeating it self over and over again. A couple of things stood out to me.
1. I kept asking God how he could still find me beautiful when I mess up. I beat myself up so much when I fail. How could you do that again? Didn't you learn the first time? Will I ever learn? Will I ever be able to change? How can I believe that you find me beautiful if I don't believe it myself?
2. I said, "Do I believe the truths of the Bible or do I just know them?" This struck me to the core because I don't think I ever answered that question. However, I am seeking that truth right now. I am believing the words on the page as I read God's many promises to his children.
As I continued to look back in other journals, I saw the same thing over and over again. A cry to feel beautiful, desirable, cherished. A longing for a security that comes from a source that will never run dry, never give up on me, never fail me. I can't find that kind of security in people. I can't find that kind of security in Teaven.
It won't be short. It won't be easy, but it will be found.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
Wedding, wedding, wedding...
Teaven and I have found the perfect place to have our wedding. It is everything I have ever dreamed of. I always had dreams as a little girl that I would get married in a mansion or something and walk down stairs in my beautiful wedding gown with everyone looking at me but my eyes solely on the man I am marrying. Given our financial situation, I never thought I would get married in a place this beautiful. I am so happy. I'm no longer apathetic about wedding planning. I'm more excited than ever.
I'm just so happy. Happy to be marrying a great man. Happy to know that my best friends will be standing by my side and being silly with me. Happy to know my family supports this desicion and is excited with me.
My parents have surprised me through all of this. My older sister always told me that my mom never really helped her with her planning, so I wasn't expecting much from my mom. However, on Wednesday, my mom went with me to the place and fell just as much in love as I did. AND that morning, my dad offered to go around town with me looking at other places. They have offered to pay for the venue, which is much more than I was expecting from them. It's so sweet for them to be so genuine and excited for us.
I'm still having issues with my older sister. I'm not sure what's up with her... maybe just the pregnancy, but she's hurt my feelings some in the past few weeks. First about Russia and then about me not making her a bridesmaid. I think she may just be jealous, but I hope she is more encourging as the time comes closer to my wedding.
I'm just so happy. Happy to be marrying a great man. Happy to know that my best friends will be standing by my side and being silly with me. Happy to know my family supports this desicion and is excited with me.
My parents have surprised me through all of this. My older sister always told me that my mom never really helped her with her planning, so I wasn't expecting much from my mom. However, on Wednesday, my mom went with me to the place and fell just as much in love as I did. AND that morning, my dad offered to go around town with me looking at other places. They have offered to pay for the venue, which is much more than I was expecting from them. It's so sweet for them to be so genuine and excited for us.
I'm still having issues with my older sister. I'm not sure what's up with her... maybe just the pregnancy, but she's hurt my feelings some in the past few weeks. First about Russia and then about me not making her a bridesmaid. I think she may just be jealous, but I hope she is more encourging as the time comes closer to my wedding.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Control
Part of my problem is that I don't believe I am strong enough or capable of change.
The other part of my problem is that I don't believe that God is able to change me.
I am not secure in the love Christ has for me, which, in turn, makes me not secure in the love I have for myself.
I don't want that to be true, but it is. I know that I am not strong enough. I know that I am unable to permantly change my behaviors on my own. Sure, I can cover it up for a little while and make it seem like everything is just fine and dandy, but then the same thing happens again. My insecurities shine through. Why do I have such a hard time letting someone else be in control of my life? Why can't I sit back and let God work through me? I keep telling myself over and over again that I don't know what to do, but maybe the reality is I don't want to do it. I fight it with every fiber in my being, and I don't know how to do anything different.
Can I let go?
The other part of my problem is that I don't believe that God is able to change me.
I am not secure in the love Christ has for me, which, in turn, makes me not secure in the love I have for myself.
I don't want that to be true, but it is. I know that I am not strong enough. I know that I am unable to permantly change my behaviors on my own. Sure, I can cover it up for a little while and make it seem like everything is just fine and dandy, but then the same thing happens again. My insecurities shine through. Why do I have such a hard time letting someone else be in control of my life? Why can't I sit back and let God work through me? I keep telling myself over and over again that I don't know what to do, but maybe the reality is I don't want to do it. I fight it with every fiber in my being, and I don't know how to do anything different.
Can I let go?
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Days
Next summer just continues to get more exciting for me. I just found out that Heather and Jake want to pay for us to visit them in Washington for the 4th of July. She said she's going to book us two nights in a cute little bed and breakfast as well. I love spending 4th of July with that family. When I was texting her yesterday, I had the biggest grin on my face at the thought of traveling with my husband. We won't have to sleep in separate beds anymore and we'll be allowed to stay at a bed and breakfast. It's just so exciting to me. Every dream I ever had as a little girl is coming true.
343 days until I no longer have to sleep alone at night.
On a less happy note, I was talking with my older sister today about the possibility of Teaven and I moving to Russia next year, and she was not encouraging at all. She told me to make sure I gave God the eraser, implying that I was completely counting on going to Russia and if we didn't our world would fall apart. That is so not true. I know there is a huge possibility we won't go to Russia. I will be content where ever God make take us because I know that is where he wants us. If we're in the center of his will, nothing else matters. She told me I wouldn't make it because of the food and it'd be such a culture shock. Of course it'd be a culture shock, but they would prepare me, and that's the adventure in moving to another country, learning and living someone else's culture. It just really upset me.
Anywho, thanks to Allye, I now know that there's only 299 days til graduation! Next summer's going to be awesome for sure.
343 days until I no longer have to sleep alone at night.
On a less happy note, I was talking with my older sister today about the possibility of Teaven and I moving to Russia next year, and she was not encouraging at all. She told me to make sure I gave God the eraser, implying that I was completely counting on going to Russia and if we didn't our world would fall apart. That is so not true. I know there is a huge possibility we won't go to Russia. I will be content where ever God make take us because I know that is where he wants us. If we're in the center of his will, nothing else matters. She told me I wouldn't make it because of the food and it'd be such a culture shock. Of course it'd be a culture shock, but they would prepare me, and that's the adventure in moving to another country, learning and living someone else's culture. It just really upset me.
Anywho, thanks to Allye, I now know that there's only 299 days til graduation! Next summer's going to be awesome for sure.
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