Deep

Next week I will officially be done with this semester of classes. Even typing that sentence doesn't help it become a reality. I feel like I still have so much to do, and it stresses me out. At least I know that come Friday, I will be over the worst.

I've come to realize how much I love deep conversations. You know, the ones where you just open up about your life and learn about someone else's life? It's hard for me to get to this point. I've got to know that you won't judge me and that I can trust you not to leave, but when I get to this point, I just can't stop talking. haha... my close friends should know this about me. :)

Robyn and I were talking today about the reason Retta's RAs become so close. The only explanation either of us had is Jesus. I've no doubt that God has placed my closest friends in my life at the right time. Through them, I learn more about his unfailing love and mercy. I am reminded to be all I can be and to trust in God even when everything in life seems to be going wrong.

I should probably call it a night because all of the stress, exhaustion, and sappyness is starting to form into tears. I love you, friends.

Peeved

Pet peeve of the day: People who sit on their computers and watch youtube really loudly while you are trying to watch tv. Please have some respect and put in head phones. I was here first.

Period

This blog is for Robyn Allison, which I know you will find strange once you read it.

Dear Period,

I realize that someday you will help me have babies, but I truly don't appreciate the fact that you visit me more than once a month. You have visited 8 or 9 times in the last 5 months, which is entirely unacceptable.

I am tired of you causing me to puff up and feel like I way 500 pounds.

I really would prefer not to have so many pimples.

I am becoming poor because I constantly have to purchase certain items at the store that will help contain the rush of nonsense coming out of my body.

You are lucky that I am not married right now because otherwise, I would be even more pissed off that you would be keeping me from having sex.

I'm already tired enough from school, and what do you do? You decide to wear me out to the point where I can't even keep my eyes open while watching tv.

I need a break. I can't continue this up and down rollercoaster of a relationship anymore. It's unnecessary, exhausting, and expensive.

We need counseling.

Hate,
Sarah

Unmasked

Can I admit something? Are you ready?

I'm a jealous person. There, I said it. I really dislike this quality about me. Well, I'm not sure who really enjoys being jealous. I hate the feelings that come when someone tells me something that I feel I should already know. For example, today Bethany told me that she and Teaven went out to lunch before Spring Break, and for some reason, I didn't know about it. Now, I realize that it is highly possible that Teaven told me and I just forgot, but I still became jealous. Questions like, Why didn't he tell me? Why would he come to Belton to have lunch with her, but I always have to go see him? entered my mind. Now, this would be a completely different story if it was some random girl I didn't know, but I know they're just friends. I shouldn't be jealous because I go out with Josh all the time, and Teaven is fine with it. It even happens with friends every once in a while. I'll get jealous because I'm not invited to something. Why am I so insecure? Why can't I just blow it off and not care? I trust Teaven, and I know he is an amazing guy who loves me immensely. But, for some reason, I can't seem to get over my insecurities. I need a lot of reassurance, and honestly, most of the time I pretend to be stronger than I really am. I don't admit my failures. I try to hide them.

I need to accept who I am. I need Jesus.

Goals

My birthday was so wonderful!!! I was beginning to think that nobody cared about it, but God took me by surprise.

I've been realizing more and more that some things I learned in counseling have slipped my mind. One thing my counselor told me was that I needed to get rid of my expectations. Whenever I have expectations and they don't pan out the way I want, I can get really frustrated and let it affect everything. When I was conciously making an effort to have no expectations, I was much happier and things were much better, but I seemed to have forgotten all about that. That's something I'm definitely going to have to work harder to achieve.

So, I decided that I'm going to run a 5k. I'm going to do it. It's my summer goal. For some reason, I want to love running. Now, I understand that I am not good at running, but I want to be good at it. I want running to be my escape from everything. Therefore, I figure if I have a goal, I will be much more likely to find this love for running deep down inside me... and become better at it.

6 days til engagement pictures! I seriously am so excited about this. I keep talking to Teaven about what we will wear, and I think he's a little annoyed. Thank God he loves me. :)

23 days til my last final. holy. cow. I cannot believe that time passes so quickly.

Curious

I'm not really sure what to say...

I had an awesome time with Brooke on Thursday and bought some really cute new clothes.

Work on Saturday wasn't as successful because it was really slow.

Easter was pretty good. Teaven and I had a "date". We got Chili's take-out and watched The Proposal. I love those kinds of dates.. basically, I just love being with him.

I'm finally beginning to admit that I can be sensitive. I can be really sensitive. I don't know why I try to lie to myself and pretend to be something I'm not. It never works out. I take things said to me very personally, even when they're not really meant to hurt.

I'm also curious to know why my relationship with God can be such an up and down experience. One week I'm doing great; the next is not so great. Can't I just want him all the time? Why can't I always desire more time with him? Why do I let silly things stand in the way?

I have to go to class now. Typical.