Insecure

I've been dealing with a lot of junk lately, and in all honestly, I'm tired of hiding it from people because more likely than not there are a lot of others out there who are struggling with the same thing. So, from here on out, I'm laying it all out there, and as I do, I'm asking that you pray with me as I fight this battle of and win once and for all.



I need other people. Well, at least that's what I keep thinking. I can't feel valuable, beautiful, worthy of love unless people tell me or show me that I am. This lie is what has brought me to the place that I am. This lie has produced nights full of tears and hurt because I lack self-confidence and self-worth. A big part of this problem comes from the man in my life. Ok, it's not anything he has done directly but rather what I am trying to get from him that screws me up.



Beth Moore put it this way in her book So Long Insecurity: You've Been a Bad Friend to Us, "We use guys like mirrors to see if we're valuable. Beautiful. Desirable. Worthy of notice. Viable. We try to read their expressions and moods in order to determine whether it's time to act smart and hard-to-get or play dumb and needy."



When I read these words, I couldn't help but agree with everything. Honestly, though, I know Teaven finds me beautiful, desirable, worthy of notice. He's told me numerous times.



My problem is that I don't believe it myself. I don't believe in myself enough to get this problem fixed. Oh sure, I fix the problem temporarily, but somehow, it comes up over and over again, and I can't seem to get rid of it. I was reading in my journal from last September (right before I started counseling) and every thought, every question that I had was repeating it self over and over again. A couple of things stood out to me.



1. I kept asking God how he could still find me beautiful when I mess up. I beat myself up so much when I fail. How could you do that again? Didn't you learn the first time? Will I ever learn? Will I ever be able to change? How can I believe that you find me beautiful if I don't believe it myself?



2. I said, "Do I believe the truths of the Bible or do I just know them?" This struck me to the core because I don't think I ever answered that question. However, I am seeking that truth right now. I am believing the words on the page as I read God's many promises to his children.



As I continued to look back in other journals, I saw the same thing over and over again. A cry to feel beautiful, desirable, cherished. A longing for a security that comes from a source that will never run dry, never give up on me, never fail me. I can't find that kind of security in people. I can't find that kind of security in Teaven.

It won't be short. It won't be easy, but it will be found.