Different

Things change when you get engaged. Not only are you obligated to be at your family's house for Christmas, but you have to be at your future family's house at well. Some people cringe at the thought of going to their in-laws, but I get excited. I love them and have been warmly accepted into this new family. They love and treat me as if I were their own daughter, and I can't thank God enough for that. I know that the wedding is still a year and a half away, but they're my family now.

Teaven and I decided to go to Oklahoma to visit his sister and her family as well as his mom. We're leaving on Christmas night, and when I told my little sister, she erupted with anger. "I don't see why you have to leave on Christmas... I can't believe you'd choose your boyfriend over your family." I can relate to how she is feeling. The night after my older sister got married, I cried myself to sleep because I felt like I was losing her forever. It's not easy to accept this change, especially when you don't understand it.

Sometimes I just wish she knew how much I love her. Sometimes I just wish she knew how much I care. I don't know how to show her.

Maybe in time.

Broken

I had a surprisingly great time with my brother and his new wife over Thanksgiving break. I like her. It was a little awkard when my ex sister-in-law came over with her fiance and brought my niece to visit. She has two sons who she brought as well. It's still weird not having her in my life anymore, but I think this break brought me some closure.

I feel awful for my nephew. Broken families are heart breaking. He is twelve years old and loves his little sister, Lilee, so much. Lilee lives with my ex sister-in-law, so Daniel barely gets to see her. Lilee spent the night with us a couple nights ago. We were all watching "Four Christmases" in the living room. Lilee was playing on "Bubba Daniel"...that's what she calls him. The next thing I know, Daniel is quietly sobbing on the seat next to me. He is hurting because he can never see his sister that he loves so much. The last time I saw her she didn't talk. Now, she doesn't stop talking. My heart broke in that instant. I can only pray that over time, God will heal the brokenness that Daniel has experienced in his life.

Emotions

My emotions can spin twenty different directions in ten seconds. I can feel mad, hurt, happy, furious, content.... all in a matter of a few seconds. I can't keep track of all of them, so I let the most prominent one overwhelm me and take control. I feel my anger in my fists. I want to punch or throw something. I feel my hurt in my eyes. I want to cry a tiny little river. I feel my disappointment on my shoulders, all of the blame taken upon myself.

Disappointment.

This feeling is most prominent right now.

Somehow, no matter what happens, I am able to take something and twist it so that it becomes my fault. I take complete blame on myself and then become disappointed in my actions. And even, if I don't place the blame on me, I still become disappointed in my feelings. Why do I let my feelings control me? Why do I become blinded in my anger?

Lord, enable me to change.

Searching

I haven't updated in a while. I feel like this month is flying past, and then I look back and say, "Wait, how did I miss that?" It's so crazy how life speeds up as you get closer to the end of something. The semester is almost over, which means I am only three semesters away from a graduation and a wedding. Sometimes I don't even know what to do with myself. How am I supposed to get everything done in such little time?

I've been focusing a lot lately on the concept of unconditional or unfailing love. This is a hard one for me to grasp for some reason. It's hard for me to believe that a person can love me even though I continue failing. I wonder if it has anything to do with the standard at which I hold myself. This concept intermingles with some fears I struggle with. I fear that Teaven will someday tell me he doesn't love me anymore. I fear that I will never change, and my failures will continue without ever letting me breathe.

Is my love for myself conditional? Yes, I think it is. I don't love myself when I fail. I don't love myself when I sin. I love myself when I succeed and others are proud of me. Huh.. that shows a lot about me.. others being proud of me. Why do I care so much about what other people think of me? Why do I let those opinions affect me so?

Is God's love for me conditional? Absolutely not. The other day I had the song "Unfailing Love" by Jimmy Needham stuck in my head. Later that night as I was reading my Bible, I stumbled upon this verse in Isaiah 54:10 "Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you." These are the words of the song. His unfailing love will not be shaken. This applies not only to God's love for me but for Teaven's love for me as well.

I have so many other thoughts swimming around in my head. So many unanswered questions.

I'm searching for my identitiy in Christ.

Peace

I don't like drama, and I don't like conflict. I have always tried to fix problems when they arise. I want everyone to be happy. I feel this comes from the fact that I am a middle child, the peacemaker. I've been engaged for one week, and I could not be happier. I am thrilled for the day that I can walk down that aisle and promise to love Teaven always. I am excited about this new adventure we have ahead of us. I wouldn't change anything about it if I could.

It is hard for me to not take problems on my shoulders and not to think that I somehow caused them. I'm fighting a lot of things in my mind right now. I want to be so angry that she would even think to take this away from Teaven. He is graduating college! That's a huge accomplishment and should definitely be recognized and praised. I want to be angry that she wants to steal my thunder now... that she would take this away from me in order for her to be happy.

However, I am happy. Yes, I enjoy the excitement. Yes, I enjoy the attention. But at the end of the day, even without all of that, I can say that I am going to marry the most amazing man I have ever met. I can be by his side to celebrate his accomplishments. I don't need anything else. Sure, in my picture perfect world, everyone is happy, and we are able to celebrate without having any conflicts. Unfortunately, life isn't like that. If there wasn't conflict, then there wouldn't be any opportunity for us to grow.

Therefore, I will pray. I will take this as an oppurtunity for my actions and my words to reflect those of Christ. I will continue to strive to be the best person I can be. I will support him, and I will celebrate my engagement. I'm happy. I'm blessed. I'm at peace.

Proposal

This post is dedicated to:

wait for it.......

this gorgeous ring on my left hand. :)

As you all know, Teaven proposed last night. I am still in a slight state of shock. It's really amazing to me how God surprises us. The night before he proposed, I was praying that God would help me to be patient because sometimes I just get so excited to marry him someday. I think my exact words were, "Please help me to be patient. Our time will come." Little did I know that the next night I'd be taking off a blindfold to see the man I love on one knee. It's such an amazing feeling. I hope this excitement never wears off.

I just want to thank all of you for being there and being so excited with us! I've realized even more what special people God has placed in our lives. I love you all so much!

That's all for now. My prayer is for continued patience as I approach this new journey.

Realization

Whoo! It's been a crazy last couple of weeks. I feel like this semester is a time for people to learn about themselves. I am learning a great amount of information pertaining to the way I act and respond to different situations, my feelings and how to control them. I also hear from my friends how much they are learning about their beliefs and dreams. Honestly, it's exhausting knowing that this point will come in my life at a constant pace. Sometimes I wonder why I have to keep learning things over and over again. Human nature. Well, it's an interesting process, and I am amazed to see how much better my relationships are with people.

Over the weekend I went camping. It was surprisingly a very relaxing trip. I had so much fun talking and having fun with friends. I really think that this trip helped strengthen my relationship with a few people. I wish I could do stuff like that all the time. So fun.

I am starting Project 365. We'll see how long I can keep it up.

Caramel

This post is dedicated to: Starbucks Caramel. :)

I love it. It's basically the only reason I go to Starbucks.

Yesterday, Teaven and I had our first experience at Genghis Grill. The waitress came up to greet us and startled Teaven. It was quite funny. Then, she chose to sit down and explain how the process worked since we had never been before. She gathered our drink order and left the table. At that moment, Teaven looked at me and said, "I'm still confused." So was I. We looked over the menu one last time before stepping into line where we would be faced with tons of decisions. Chicken? Steak? Shrimp? Yes, please. Spices? Veggies? Sauce? I was nervous it was going to taste awful. We sat down and anxiously awaited for our food to arrive. First bite, delicious. Second bite, wonderful. Success in a bowl! It was interesting to me the differences in flavors between my dish and Teaven's. I liked mine better.

After that, we went to Barnes and Noble to kill time because the movie we wanted to see didn't start for another two and a half hours. I searched that store for Hinds Feet in High Places, but it was nowhere to be found. They said they had four copies, but no one could find a single one. It was strange and disappointing. Then, we went to my house to pick up some things I wanted. On our way there, I was getting grumpy because I really didn't feel like going to a movie, but I was willing to do it if it meant I got more time with Teaven. I didn't want to tell him how I was really feeling, but, of course, he could tell something was wrong. I finally mustered up the nerve to tell him I just felt like going back to him apartment and watching a movie. He told me that I just need to be honest with him. Everything turned out great. We went to Walmart, and he bought me season 10 of friends. Then, we went back to his house and watched the whole first disc. It was lovely.

I drove his car home since it was so late when I left. While I was driving back, he called me and told me there was a surprise in his backseat. Let me tell, you it was the most romantic and wonderful thing he has ever done. :)

Anyways, enough about Teaven. I am currently putting together a playlist of songs for Katie's reception. It's quite exciting.

Today, I honestly did nothing. It was so nice, but I don't like being judged for my actions. Sometimes, I feel that way in my apartment. It makes me tense, and I feel pressured to act a certain way or to hide the way I do act. I know this is wrong, and I should just let people deal with it on their own. I'm learning to deal with it. I'm learning to accept that I am the way I am, and I am not going to hide it just to please other people. It's not an easy task for me.

Pointless

It's been a while.

I feel like my life has been so challenging. I don't like dealing with my emotions. I want everyone to be happy all the time. Yeah, not in this world. Therefore, I'm working on how to deal with my issues, which is tough. I don't really feel like going into it. hah, typical sarah line.

I don't really know what to say other than I'm really tired and ready to be off duty.

I'm taking Katie and Grant's engagement pictures on Saturday. I'm kind of nervous about it because I haven't taken pictures like that in a long time. Hopefully, the weather will be good, and they will turn out looking good. I think Katie and Grant will be a pretty easy couple to photograph.

I really don't want to work this weekend. :( Maybe someone will pick up one of my shifts... yeah, not likely these days. I can still have hope though.

Rain

I miss home. It's really strange to me because it's not often that I long for my family. This year is different though. I really enjoyed being with them this summer.

It's raining really hard outside. I'm on duty. I don't want to be soaking wet when I get home. Maybe it will stop raining while I am walking home. How perfect that would be.

Tonight my post will be a bunch of random thoughts because my brain will not function enough to form deep ones.

I'm kind of nervous about Sunday. I will be seeing a friend who I have not seen since I graduated high school. I was bitter for a very long time because she got married and basically, forgot about me. Or at least that's the way it was in my mind. I've forgiven now, but I hope this meeting isn't awkward. I know Teaven is really excited about seeing her. We used to hang out with her and her husband a lot before they got married. We were both in their wedding. I think it'll be a good reunion.

I don't want to work this weekend. I have too much to do, and all I really want to do is have a relaxing weekend with friends. Unfortunately, I need money. Stupid money.

I really should be studying for my quiz tomorrow. I'm probably going to regret it in the morning.

It's really funny how different it is being a freshman. It's like once you become a junior/senior, you enter a completely different world. Freshman year begins to feel like camp. Always playing with your friends, not really worrying about classes... Then you get into your major courses and freak out because your doing RA stuff, Bible studies, working, other campus stuff, who knows. You're realizing that soon you will be in the real world, and you don't think you're ready. I want to play as long as possible. I want to be carefree as long as possible. I'm not ready for college to end. not yet. I'm not ready to leave all my friends... they won't be a building away anymore. Oh man, I don't want to think about that anymore.

I'm really excited that I'm learning how to cook. I still have a long way to go, but at least I'm getting some good recipes together.

And the rain keeps falling....

Hope

There are times when I am blown away by the way my life is turning out. This is one of those times.

I have no clue how this is going to turn out. I can only hope for the best and that I will be a better person when it's all over. I'm not good at lying to other people, but I'm great at lying to myself. I'm great at shoving my problems under the rug and never dealing with them. Well, now I have to.

"But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you." Psalm 39:7

"I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope." Psalm 130:5

"But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me." Micah 7:7

Ready. Set. Go.

Love

Alright, alright, since I don't really have anything else to say tonight, I will do what I am told.

5 things I love........

1) Friends. They are, essentially, my life. I hate not being around people. I love to talk to them and share stories and feelings. It really takes a lot for me to truly open up to people, and for those of you who are closest to me, please know that I treasure you more than you think.

2) Teaven.. of course, you all knew I was going to choose him. Everyday, I become more thankful to have him in my life, and even though he can frustrate me like no other person can, he will always be there for me. He challenges me and is a picture of Christ.

3) Vacations. I love being able to travel with my family. We relax and enjoy each other so much during this time. Every vacation brings a new adventure. I can't wait to start going on vacations with my kids someday.

4) Crafts. Mainly, scrapbooking. When I am being creative, my mind is taken off of all of my stress. I can relax and just forget about the world for a little while.

5) Laughter. I know this may seem silly, but I love to know that people around me are happy. I love it when friends get together and laugh so hard. These are the times we remember forever.

To be honest, it was hard for me to think of things past the first three. What I love in life is simple: people. They mean everything to me.

Rest

So, I didn't post yesterday, which is surprising since I was so bored on duty.

I have quite a bit to talk about today.

First off, church was great this morning. Dave spoke about the last chapter in Nehemiah. I won't give you the whole sermon. The part that stuck out to me the most was about rest and keeping the Sabbath holy. In today's society, we think that it's better to be busy. The busier we are, the more important we are. We don't take time to rest and be alone with God because we always have something to do. This is something that I struggle with, and I have seen it affect my relationship with Christ throughout these last two years at college. This semester, I am going to make it a point to rest and delve myself into a deeper relationship with the creator. I'm not doing this because I have to follow some rules. I am doing this out of love for my Savior. He rested on the seventh day even though he didn't need it. I know I need it. I encourage you all to take a day or even a couple of hours each week and just rest. Learn what it is like to be alone with God and let him take your worries and stress upon his shoulders.

Today, I found out that my family will probably not be going on that vacation we were planning next summer. I'm really disappointed about it because I was really looking forward to resting and spending time with my family away from everyday concerns. I love vacations. My sister has a tupperware conference at Disney, so she decided to take her family on a vacation. My parents and little sisters might go with them, but even if they do, it will be during my RA training. I guess it's a part of growing up that I wasn't ready to face yet. Maybe something will work out.

I love being able to entertain people in my apartment. It excites me when people can come over and talk. I'm so excited about that part of marriage as well. Being able to have people over for dinner and games. For the few of you who read this, you will be invited. :) Today I cooked dorito casserole and sopapilla cheesecake for Josh's birthday. It was fun and really yummy.

My roommates and I all decided to go on a run tonight. It was so good. I love it when the weather is cool outside. For once, I actually think I'm ready for fall. It will be nice to be able to walk to classes and not feel like I'm going to kill over from the heat. I think we might start training for a 5K. I've always wanted to be able to do something like that. We'll see how it goes.

Conversations

I love love love talking about relationships. It intrigues me how people interact with others and how God places people together. I, personally, would suck at that job. I wouldn't call myself a matchmaker, so it's a good thing we have such an amazing God who is perfect for that job. I love hearing about other people's experiences and learning from them. Not one person is the same, so it's an adventure each time you meet someone new. Tonight I talked with my new friend, Tad, for about two hours. He came to visit me on duty. He and his girlfriend are in about the same situation that Teaven and I were in a few years ago. It was so fun getting to talk to him and hear his story.

I am so proud of how far God has brought my relationship with Teaven. Never in my life did I expect it to be like this. It's been an adventure, to say the least, and I have loved every moment of it. To me, I see our future like the excitement of riding on the biggest roller coaster and knowing that every single ride will be with your best friend. I know it sounds silly, but it's so true. I get the little butterfly feeling. I'm scared and excited all at the same time, but I know that no matter what, he'll be there holding my hand every step of the way.

In other news, I have realized that cooking is much harder than I thought. I don't even know where to begin. I think it's even harder because I have three other roommates who eat the food, and we really never have time to eat together. I'm trying to learn, but it definitely doesn't come naturally to me. I'm also out of money at the moment, which makes it difficult to buy groceries. Maybe I should cook my way through Julia Child's cookbook. No, I don't think I'm really that dedicated.

Can I just say that I have great friends? I do. That's another thing that I always longed for, but never thought it would happen. God has placed some pretty phenomenal people in my life. The Burt RAs became some of my best friends, especially Brooke and Robyn. It was cool to know that I could be myself around them, and they would love me just the same. One of the reasons it was hard for me to move out here was because I didn't think my friendship with them would stay the same. That's where my insecurities come in, and I had to deal with those with God. Yes, things are changing, but my relationships with them are still strong, and it's good to know that.

So, let me tell you about this couch in my apartment. I call it the devil couch. Everytime I lay down on it, I fall asleep. It's like some magic couch that puts people to sleep. I'm not even joking. I will lay down and wake up an hour later, having no memory of falling asleep. I hardly ever sleep that hard, but I've been able to sleep through people coming in the apartment, banging on the door, watching tv. It's ridiculous, but I will admit it is quite nice. :) My roommate experienced it today. It was so funny because she was laying on the couch watching tv, and I could just see her eyes longing to close.

Boring

Wow, three days in a row. I think I've broken a record. :)

Today was a pretty good day. I went to work, and then I went out to dinner with Christi and Brooke. Boy, was that an experience. Our waitress took our drink orders and then disappeared. No one knew where she went. It was quite sad, but enjoyable at the same time.

I really don't have any profound statement tonight because I'm really tired and ready for bed. Maybe tomorrow I will ponder something new about myself.

I really want to start that Project 365, but I kind of want to wait until the new year starts. I'm not sure though.. I may start soon. We'll see what happens.

I know this was a really boring post, but I'm determined to post more... and I'm on duty and bored.. sooo.. you know how that goes. :)

Ministry

So, I just have a quick thought that I want to take note of before I head to bed...

What if God placed me out here in the apartments so that I can do what I've wanted all along, minister to freshman? Tonight, my welcome week family went out to IHOP to celebrate a birthday. I realized just now that I have built relationships with these girls much easier and quicker than I did last year. Why is this? Well, I think the main reason is because, as an RA, I am seen as an authority figure, someone who just gives out fines all the time. It was just a different environment all together. Now, I'm not saying that I didn't build relationships with those girls. I'm just saying that I think it took me coming out here to realize how much I love doing it.

Well, that's just a thought for now. We'll see how it develops as the semester continues.

Take me where you want me, Lord. I'm ready.

Changes

Wow. It sure has been a while since I have updated. So much has happened in the past month or so. I'm not sure I'll be able to put it into words.

I have come to expect that every semester will bring something new and different. However, I struggled more with this change than I have in a while. I don't usually cry over things, but during RA training, I would go back to my apartment and feel so lonely. I wish I could see what I looked like from another person's point of view. I was brought to a point of breaking. I love these times because I know that I have no where to turn but to Jesus. I know that I am not capable of living on my own. My life without Him is nothing. My relationship with Christ during this time was challenged. I just wanted to hold on to what I couldn't have. I had to come to a point of complete surrender, and when I did, I felt such peace. I know this is exactly where God has me this semester. I am ready for the radical life change that is before me. Bring it.

In other news, I finally found a text book that I enjoy reading. I made muffins for breakfast this morning. I had a back to school dance with my roommates yesterday.

Okay, I know I'm kind of all over the place, but I haven't talked about Welcome Week yet. Oh man, I love freshmen. I love looking at the excitement in their eyes. I love remembering what that was like for me. I love being able to share advice with them. I feel so... amazing when I am in that type of situation where I can be crazy and still share the love of Christ with people. I love leading that type of thing. I just had the feeling that I want to quit my job so that I can do more with ministry. Whoa.. that would be hard. I need to pray about that. Ok, now I have lots to think about......

I've started reading the book Love and Respect. I must reflect on what I am learning, instead of moving on and forgetting all that I have read. Even in the first chapter, my eyes are opened to the things I have been missing. Teaven and I have been having some pretty meaningful conversations lately about our relationship. I don't share my deepest thoughts with him, and until now, I haven't understood why this keeps happening. I know that guys generally aren't very emotional people. They don't think in the same way that women do; they aren't as sensitive. Unfortunately, this whole time I have been forgetting that Teaven has feelings. He can be hurt by me and the things I do or say. He is the most amazing man I have ever met. He loves to listen to people talk, and the one person he wants to hear the most is not talking. I need to realize that even when he says unkind things to me, his intentions are not to hurt me. It's not because he loves me any less than I love him.

He loves me, and I need to show the respect I have for him. In turn, he will show the love he has for me.

"However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." Ephesians 5:33

Changes

Where do I go from here?

How do I begin?

Why am I doing this?

Am I excited, truly passionate?

If not, where does my passion lie?

Can I find what I am looking for?

Am I really thinking or just worrying?

Am I doing this for me or because other people think I'm good at it?

Will I be happy?

Will I be able to do this forever?

Do I want to do this forever?

Why didn't I think about this before?

Can I do it?

Do I believe in myself?

Is this what I really want?

What do I really want?

What do you really want?

What am I not seeing?

Am I just too scared?

Why?

Why?
Why?

Will I be able to make this decision?

God, I can only do this with you by my side. Oh, God, please show me what to do. Help me to take away the blindfold and see what's really underneath.

Balance

I have this problem.

What is the balance between loving yourself and and feeling unworthy of love? Do they coincide? Are they equal? Is it selfish?

I've always been told that in order to love other people, you have to love yourself. I understand this, of course, because the Bible often talks about loving other people just as you love yourself. Naturally, I love myself. I love who God is molding me to be. However, I hold myself to a very high standard, and when I fail to meet that standard, I fail completely. Usually, I can pick myself up pretty quickly; I am easily encouraged. Unfortunately, this has not been true lately. I've never felt so much like I don't deserve to be here, like I am unworthy of being loved, like I'm not good enough, not strong enough. Because I am such a prideful person, I have a hard time admitting my short comings, my failures, to other people. I want people to think the best of me. I don't want them to see me when I am weak. As I think about this, I am reminded of 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, "...My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
I am an imperfect person. I don't deserve to be here. I am unworthy of love. I am not good enough. I am not strong enough.
Thankfully, He is everything I am not. He is perfect. He is worthy of love. He is good enough. He is strong enough.
He will make me strong. Even though it is hard to admit when I fail and I am weak, I know I must delight in this. Why are we made strong in our weakness? Because we realize there is no way we can do it on our own. We fall. We break. We crumble. He picks us up and puts us back together. Not once, not twice...every single time. "...he will remain faithful." 2 Timothy 2:13.
Therefore, I don't need to dwell on my weaknesses. I just need to be aware and push through. I am worthy of love because of Him. If I keep myself out of it, life is so much better.

"I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you"