This Christmas

Only 6 days left and I am done with my last semester of classes. I. am. so. ready. This semester has been crazy, and I am so looking forward to going home and spending my last Christmas as a single person with my family. Ever since we moved to our new house about 7 years ago and started going to Illinois for Christmas, my family hasn't really been into the whole Christmas decorating and tradition stuff because we're always traveling. This year, I have determined to bring back the excitement, joy, and family bonding that comes with Christmas. My family is waiting until I am done with RA stuff next Saturday to go to the Christmas tree farm and cut down the tree. This Christmas means a lot to me because it may be the last one I celebrate with my family for a while.

I want to bake cookies and cook homemade food.
I want to hang stockings and Christmas lights.
I want to blast Christmas music through the house while we decorate the tree.
I want to watch Christmas movies while bundled up close on the couch.
Most of all, I want this Christmas to be important to my little sisters. In some way, I feel like they've missed out on all of this stuff.

I want us to be a family... without having to worry about soldiers we don't know coming over. That's been the biggest interruption of our family time. My dad has a tendancy to put his job over our family time when it comes to the holidays. I want this to be just as important to them as it is to me. I want it to be special.

We'll see how things really turn out.. I suppose I shouldn't have any expectations.

I am just so ready for this semester to be over!

Thankfulness

I know it's a little late for a post about Thanksgiving, but I was without a computer while in Oklahoma. I decided not to take any homework with me at all and really take a break from school. Let me tell you, it was a wonderful decision. I truly loved the time I spent in Oklahoma with Teaven's family.

I have so much to be thankful for this holiday season, and the more I think about, the more I realize I shouldn't take just one day to continue being thankful. It's so easy to focus on the negative things, which we all know I'm excellent at.

So, here's just a small number of things I am thankful for:

1. Teaven- He's truly been the best friend I have been longing for since middle school. This boy can drive me bonkers, but I love him so much. He challenges me in a way no one can. God knew what he was doing when he brought us together so many years ago. I can't wait to start my life with him.

2. Family- This year I have realized more than ever how much my family has affected the way I view life, and honestly, I have been quite frustrated with them at times. But no matter how screwed up we all are, I love them and thank God for placing me with the family I have. I'm also thankful for Teaven's family, which I already view as my family as well. They have accepted me with open arms and loved me so deeply. I've heard so many stories about horrible in-laws, and I'm so thankful mine are great!

3. Friends- Where would I be in life without them? I'm thankful for my friends who have moved on to bigger and better things and still take the time to care about me. I love getting together with them and it seeming like we'd only been separated for a day. I'm happy they'll be the ones standing with me on my wedding day. I'm thankful for RAs. It's been a dramatic semester, and some of these girls have been the encouragement I need to push forward. I love their hearts. School friends... the girls who encourage me to do my work and complain with me about it. We can talk about anything. My classes would be so boring without them. I love friends. They laugh with me.

4. My job- I love my job... and I get so sad to think of the possibility that I may have to leave it next semester. I so enjoy the experience of working with each of the students. I love them even in their craziness.

5. School- I have learned so much during my time at UMHB...I'm sure that will be a completely new post towards graduation. lol. Even though I'm ready to move on, I wouldn't trade these four years for anything. I am thankful that God has provided me the opportunity to receive an education.

6. Be Transformed-This Bible study has been difficult at times, but I have learned so much about myself and God. I'm still learning everyday and will continue to learn. Thank you, Jesus.

Okay, that's all my thankfulness for now. I could go on and on. Tomorrow is a day filled with homework, and I'm working on being thankful for that. haha.

One of my residents told me that I should make a blog about all of my wedding plans. hah.. For now, I'll just tell you that they are coming wonderfully. We bought our rings at a great price thanks to Black Friday. We're about to book the caterer. It's funny how all of this is becoming a reality. I feel like it's just been a dream in my mind for the past year, but now I can see it, feel it, and it's getting closer and closer. That's another thing I'm thankful for.

Anyways, this has been a really long post, and if I continue, I could go on so much longer. Goodnight.

Almost There

This weekend, I found out where I am student teaching. I'll be in a middle school in Temple for the whole semester! I've started to get a little nervous and very excited. I know I will learn so much from the experience. I'm still praying I will be able to keep my job with the after-school program, but it's all up in the air at this point. I'm so ready for this semester to be over. It's so close I can taste it, but there is still so much to do.

I'm starting to enjoy the cold weather, which is really strange for me. I look forward to drinking hot coffee in coffee shops and making homemade hot cocoa. I love snuggling up under my covers and feeling the warmth they bring. The only negative part about the cold is my lack of clothing suited for this weather. I only own about 5 long-sleeve shits and one scarf. But, alas, I am enjoying it.

I'm looking forward to getting this week over with because then I will be one step closer to Thanksgiving break, and eventually, Christmas break. Praise, Jesus, for breaks.

Countdowns:

-9 days til Thanksgiving break
-24 days until my last final
-174 days until graduation
-216 days til the wedding! (almost out of the 200s!)

Halloween!

I definitely should be writing lesson plans right now, but I'll get to that in a minute.

I had a wonderful weekend. Teaven and I had our version of a "date" since we are saving money now. I brought McDonalds to his room, and we watched Back to the Future Parts 1 and 2. We watched part 3 today after church. It was my first time ever seeing them, and I liked them more than I thought I would.

Saturday was Daddy/Daughter Day. I enjoyed spending time with my dad. We had a really good turnout. Afterwards, I went to Teaven's parents house and helped the kids get dressed for the Halloween Carnival. I got to dress up too. I'm 20 years old, and this was my first time ever dressing up. Yes, ever. It was a lot of fun.

Alice in Wonderland, Queen of Hearts (though most thought I was Snow White), and the Mad Hatter

Mad Hatter, Alice, and Hannah Montana

This week is once again going to be busy, but each passing day brings me a little closer to Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks.





Lots of wedding planning has been going on around these parts. Teaven and I are about to decide on a caterer, Brooke, Robyn, and I are going dress shopping on Saturday, and Dana and I are getting ideas for decorations in a couple of weeks. I'm so excited for this day to come. :)





On to the countdowns:


- 38 days til my last final


- 188 days til graduation


- 230 days til my wedding!

Passion

I love my job. Have I stated that fact lately? I love being around the students and interacting with them. Yes, it has been very challenging. Some days I spend most of my time disciplining students and breaking up fights, but it has been such a great learning experience.

I've realized something about myself while working there and being in my last semester of classes. I'm really not that passionate about English. Sure, I love it, but I would much rather spend my time just interacting with the students, loving on them, and helping them learn and grow into better people. I don't know where this passion will lead me in the future, but I'm so thankful that Jesus knows.

For the first time EVER, I have looked into going to grad school someday. I have absolutely no idea what I would go for, but the fact that I'm actually considering it is strange to me. I don't like school. lol.

Life is challenging but amazing. I'm happy that Thanksgiving is almost in my reach.

Sweet memories

I've been meaning to update for a while now, but I just haven't had the time to get around to it.

God has been teaching me so much lately. When I have more time, I'll write all about it. It all relates back to the insecurity issues as well as learning more about the Holy Spirit (thanks, Be Transformed!). Praise Jesus that his faithfulness and love are never ceasing, and he's always there to pick me up when I've fallen.

Thursday was Teaven and my engagiversary! I can't believe that it's already been a year since he proposed. That is such a sweet memory for me, and I can't wait to marry that boy. We're at less than 8 months now! Can you believe it? We're starting to really get into more planning, and I love how involved he is. Most guys hate everything that has to do with wedding planning, but Teaven wants to be involved and help me out as much as he can. He brought me flowers Thursday night while I sat on duty. This engagement has been so great. As much as I want it to go by quickly, I wouldn't trade this time for anything.

If we ever find the time in our schedules, Robyn, Brooke and I will be shopping for bridesmaids dresses next month. I'm so excited about it because I'll be able to spend time with two very dear friends.

Continuing the countdowns:

- 30 days til Thanksgiving break
- 45 days til my last final
- 195 days til graduation
- 237 days til my wedding!!

Back to life

I realized that I haven't updated you all about my job. I love it! I love being around kids, helping them with their homework, listening to their crazy stories, playing hang man with spelling words. It's such a good feeling to know that I love my job. I have been reassured that this is the path God is leading me down, and I no longer need to doubt God's plans for my life. It's such a good feeling to want to go to work. Now, there are some days where I would rather be doing something else, but for now, my job is like my escape from the day. For 3 hours, I don't have to focus on anything other than my job.

I went to New Mexico this weekend and had such a fun time! I love being able to take a mini vacation with all of my friends. It was nice to hang out with them since I don't get to see them very often anymore. The balloons were amazing! There were so many different shapes.

Now, once again it's back to life, back to reality.

-57 days until my last final
-207 days til graduation
-249 days til my wedding!

Everything is getting so close!

Persevere

I stepped out of his car, grabbed my stuff from the trunk, and yelled, "I love you," over the loud music. As I walked towards the porch of my temporary home, I began to mentally list the things I needed to get done before I could go to sleep that night. I walked up the stairs and opened the glass door that led into an empty lobby. Suddenly, all of the stress that I had forgotten about over the weekend, pushed against me like an unseen rush of water. My thoughts became overwhelmed as I pictured all that lay before me. Tests, quizzes, papers, restless night, alarms, locked doors. All the things that came with being a student and an RA. I wanted to turn around and run towards the comfort of home. Why do I dread coming back to this place? I'm ready to be done. I'm ready to have my own home where I don't have to worry about whether or not I have updated my marker board or written 5 minute meetings. I want to have a classroom where I'm giving the tests instead of taking them.

I'm tired, and I know that will continue. I also know that God will give me the strength I need to persevere. He knew what he was doing when he laid that on my heart to be my prayer for the year. Perseverence. Even the weak will be made strong. "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him" James 1:12

Back to my countdowns:
-5 days til I go to New Mexico
-66 days til my last final
-216 days til Graduation
-258 days til my wedding!!!!

p.s.
Can you tell I've been writing too much for Advanced Composition?

Fall... yuck.

I have quite a few words to say to all of you crazies who are writing how much you love fall.

I dislike fall very much.

The main reason: sore throat, runny nose, constant sneezing. Allergies. My least favorite type of sickness. Why? Because you never know when you will feel better. It could last days, weeks, months! Who knows? At least when you have a stomach bug or something you know just a few days down the road, maybe a week you will be feeling so much better. That's not always true with allergies. I've been feeling progressively worse for the past few weeks, and I'm just plain tired of it!

I hope I don't have allergies if I move to Russia.

I also don't like being cold... or not being able to wear flip flops.

Alright, enough of my ranting. I'm just tired of feeling awful.

On a more positive note, 11 a.m. tomorrow (or today, technically) will mark the beginning of the weekend for me. I love weekends.

I was told today that I can start work on Monday! I am so very happy about that. I'm sure it will make me even more exhausted than I already am, but I'm really hoping I will love this job since it is so closely related to my future career.

This week has been crazy. I'm quickly, well, that's a lie... I'm slowly learning that I don't even have faith as small as a mustard seed. I don't know why it's so hard for me to realize that God is bigger than all my problems, and He will sustain me.

Anyways, it's about that time.. goodnight.

Senioritis

I have an awful case of senioritis, and with each passing week, it becomes more prominent. I don't want to go to class. I don't want to do my homework. I don't really want to do anything. I can make it. I will make it. There is no other option. ugh.

I have a new-found addiction to wedding blogs. They give me such great inspiration and ideas. I've not reached the stressful part of planning yet. Well, except for finances, but I imagine that will be a constant stress. I know God has everything under control, so I am thankful for that.

I'm in one of those moods where I just want to sing and dance and laugh with friends, but here I sit.

Ok, I have nothing more beneficial to say. I'm sleepy, and my mind is random.

Nap Time

Holy Moly. I just took a nap and slept way longer than I intended to. I was supposed to workout with Lauren, but I didn't even hear her text. That never happens! I was drooling, and when I woke up, my hair was a hot mess. I really hope I'm not fighting anything. I'm exhausted more than usual this week, and I don't understand why. I've narrowed it down to 2 things: 1. I'm fighting an illness (Lord, I hope not!) or 2. My body is in denial that I quit drinking soda so it's making me super tired so that I'll crave it more. All I have to say is, Body, please let up soon.

Anyways, on to other news. I got the job I've been wanting! It's so nice to know that the Lord is taking care of my needs even if it's in a way that I didn't expect or necessarily welcome. I'm really excited about this job because I think I'll really enjoy it, and it will give me really good experience. Plus, I'll be able to save money for my wedding.

Speaking of wedding, plans have slowed down quite a bit. I don't have much to do at this stage until I start making some money to put a deposit down on the catering. It's hard to wait, but the days go by so quickly that I'm losing track of time. The days feel so short that I don't even have enough time to get everything done. It's really crazy.

i'm going to the Hot Air Balloon Festival in New Mexico in 3 weeks with Josh, Jordan, Teaven, Abby and Bethany. It's really exciting because it's kind of like a senior trip for all of us, even though Teaven already graduated. We're pretending he hasn't since he never really got a senior trip. It should be a really fun weekend.

I'm going to the spa on Friday with my sister. I'm really excited to have some time to relax.

On to my countdowns:
-85 days til the end of the semester
-234 days til Graduation
-276 days til my wedding!

It's all getting so close!

New Beginnings

As of one hour ago, I am no longer an employee of Olive Garden. I know that this was the right decision. They weren't very happy with me only working one day a week anyway.

School is going well. It's keeping me really busy, but I'm enjoying most of my classes this semester. Last week when I went to Starbucks to do homework, I tried this new drink called Toffee Mocha. Oh my, it's delicious. I can't wait to go drink another one. I'm sure I'll find myself at Starbucks sometime this week.

I am so thankful for this 3 day weekend. It's sad to think I need a break after being in school for 2 weeks, but it's been so nice to get away.

Wedding plans have been put on hold until I get settled into my schedule and get a job. I'm really hoping this after school job with Temple ISD works out.

Getting ready to apply for graduation and take the THEA this week. That puts me one step closer to graduation. CRAZY!


243 days til Graduation!
285 days til my wedding!

Fears, Tears, and First Impressions

Oh man, how do I even begin to describe how crazy the last couple of weeks has been? RA training was exhausting, but I honestly had a lot of fun. I'm glad it's over though. God has put together such an amazing group this year, and I'm so excited to get to know each of these girls better. Being head RA has its tough moments, but it's been good so far.

I love freshmen. These girls are so fresh and excited about the new year. I think my opinion of what an RA is has changed so much since sophomore year. I'm much more relaxed with the rules. This year, I long to be relational. If I change my attitude, I know I'll make such a bigger impact. I've got to start from the beginning though. Their first impression of me will set the tone for the rest of the semester.

I still haven't gotten a job. I've been discouraged, but I know God has a reason for this, even though I may not see it yet. I'm just focusing on placing my trust in him as I continue to look for other positions.

Part of me is ready for school to start... ready for it to be over with.. Another part of me just wants to keep putting it off. I don't want to start school and homework and papers and tests. It's my last semester though, which makes my motivation much higher.

Moving back

I can't believe I move back to school in a week. Where has this summer gone? It's bittersweet thinking about moving back. I'm so excited to get back to school and be surrounded by some wonderful people. I'm excited about dinner and coffee dates, RA meetings, and freshmen. I'm excited that it's my last semester of real classes. However, I'm not excited to live away from Teaven again. It's been so nice having him here with me all summer and going back to only phone communication will be difficult. BUT, in less than a year, I won't ever have to live away from him again. That is exciting!

I may be quitting my job at Olive Garden. They told me that I had to work 3 days a week, and I just don't want to do that with my schoool load and RA stuff. I've been emailing families trying to find some babysitting jobs, and so far, I've come up with 2 great ones. If I do land these jobs, I'll probably quit. It's kind of crazy to think about because I didn't think it would happen this soon.

I'm still working through my insecurity issues. Honestly, though, I haven't been spending as much time in reflection as I should. I'll post more about that at another time.

Insecure

I've been dealing with a lot of junk lately, and in all honestly, I'm tired of hiding it from people because more likely than not there are a lot of others out there who are struggling with the same thing. So, from here on out, I'm laying it all out there, and as I do, I'm asking that you pray with me as I fight this battle of and win once and for all.



I need other people. Well, at least that's what I keep thinking. I can't feel valuable, beautiful, worthy of love unless people tell me or show me that I am. This lie is what has brought me to the place that I am. This lie has produced nights full of tears and hurt because I lack self-confidence and self-worth. A big part of this problem comes from the man in my life. Ok, it's not anything he has done directly but rather what I am trying to get from him that screws me up.



Beth Moore put it this way in her book So Long Insecurity: You've Been a Bad Friend to Us, "We use guys like mirrors to see if we're valuable. Beautiful. Desirable. Worthy of notice. Viable. We try to read their expressions and moods in order to determine whether it's time to act smart and hard-to-get or play dumb and needy."



When I read these words, I couldn't help but agree with everything. Honestly, though, I know Teaven finds me beautiful, desirable, worthy of notice. He's told me numerous times.



My problem is that I don't believe it myself. I don't believe in myself enough to get this problem fixed. Oh sure, I fix the problem temporarily, but somehow, it comes up over and over again, and I can't seem to get rid of it. I was reading in my journal from last September (right before I started counseling) and every thought, every question that I had was repeating it self over and over again. A couple of things stood out to me.



1. I kept asking God how he could still find me beautiful when I mess up. I beat myself up so much when I fail. How could you do that again? Didn't you learn the first time? Will I ever learn? Will I ever be able to change? How can I believe that you find me beautiful if I don't believe it myself?



2. I said, "Do I believe the truths of the Bible or do I just know them?" This struck me to the core because I don't think I ever answered that question. However, I am seeking that truth right now. I am believing the words on the page as I read God's many promises to his children.



As I continued to look back in other journals, I saw the same thing over and over again. A cry to feel beautiful, desirable, cherished. A longing for a security that comes from a source that will never run dry, never give up on me, never fail me. I can't find that kind of security in people. I can't find that kind of security in Teaven.

It won't be short. It won't be easy, but it will be found.

Wedding, wedding, wedding...

Teaven and I have found the perfect place to have our wedding. It is everything I have ever dreamed of. I always had dreams as a little girl that I would get married in a mansion or something and walk down stairs in my beautiful wedding gown with everyone looking at me but my eyes solely on the man I am marrying. Given our financial situation, I never thought I would get married in a place this beautiful. I am so happy. I'm no longer apathetic about wedding planning. I'm more excited than ever.

I'm just so happy. Happy to be marrying a great man. Happy to know that my best friends will be standing by my side and being silly with me. Happy to know my family supports this desicion and is excited with me.

My parents have surprised me through all of this. My older sister always told me that my mom never really helped her with her planning, so I wasn't expecting much from my mom. However, on Wednesday, my mom went with me to the place and fell just as much in love as I did. AND that morning, my dad offered to go around town with me looking at other places. They have offered to pay for the venue, which is much more than I was expecting from them. It's so sweet for them to be so genuine and excited for us.

I'm still having issues with my older sister. I'm not sure what's up with her... maybe just the pregnancy, but she's hurt my feelings some in the past few weeks. First about Russia and then about me not making her a bridesmaid. I think she may just be jealous, but I hope she is more encourging as the time comes closer to my wedding.

Control

Part of my problem is that I don't believe I am strong enough or capable of change.

The other part of my problem is that I don't believe that God is able to change me.

I am not secure in the love Christ has for me, which, in turn, makes me not secure in the love I have for myself.

I don't want that to be true, but it is. I know that I am not strong enough. I know that I am unable to permantly change my behaviors on my own. Sure, I can cover it up for a little while and make it seem like everything is just fine and dandy, but then the same thing happens again. My insecurities shine through. Why do I have such a hard time letting someone else be in control of my life? Why can't I sit back and let God work through me? I keep telling myself over and over again that I don't know what to do, but maybe the reality is I don't want to do it. I fight it with every fiber in my being, and I don't know how to do anything different.

Can I let go?

Days

Next summer just continues to get more exciting for me. I just found out that Heather and Jake want to pay for us to visit them in Washington for the 4th of July. She said she's going to book us two nights in a cute little bed and breakfast as well. I love spending 4th of July with that family. When I was texting her yesterday, I had the biggest grin on my face at the thought of traveling with my husband. We won't have to sleep in separate beds anymore and we'll be allowed to stay at a bed and breakfast. It's just so exciting to me. Every dream I ever had as a little girl is coming true.

343 days until I no longer have to sleep alone at night.

On a less happy note, I was talking with my older sister today about the possibility of Teaven and I moving to Russia next year, and she was not encouraging at all. She told me to make sure I gave God the eraser, implying that I was completely counting on going to Russia and if we didn't our world would fall apart. That is so not true. I know there is a huge possibility we won't go to Russia. I will be content where ever God make take us because I know that is where he wants us. If we're in the center of his will, nothing else matters. She told me I wouldn't make it because of the food and it'd be such a culture shock. Of course it'd be a culture shock, but they would prepare me, and that's the adventure in moving to another country, learning and living someone else's culture. It just really upset me.

Anywho, thanks to Allye, I now know that there's only 299 days til graduation! Next summer's going to be awesome for sure.

Creepy-Crawly

I felt like blogging this morning when I woke up.

My week went from being pretty boring to full of exciting things. Today, I work a double, which isn't all that exciting. lol. Tomorrow is the midnight showing on Eclipse (YAY!). Wednesday Teaven and I are having lunch with Amie and Bryan, our friends from when we were in high school. We all used to hang out all the time, and then they got married and moved away. We saw Amie last year, but this is the first time we've seen Bryan since they got married in March 2007. Bryan and Teaven were best friends, so it'll be fun to see them back together. Thursday I'm going to lunch with Ashlee before she heads home for the rest of the summer, and later that day I have to meet with Matt about RA training stuff we're planning. Then, Sunday Teaven and I are going to see Brooke and hang with her for the holiday (SUPER YAY!). So, that's my busy week for you.

Oh man, Teaven and I have been finding so many spiders in my house! As most of you know, Teaven is deathly afraid of spiders, and I'm not too fond of them myself. Well, he text me one night while I was at work that he saw a HUGE spider in the kitchen and couldn't make dinner (I had to bring some home for him. lol) Well, I was freaked out because he said it was bigger than his palm! I never saw it... until........ I was cleaning the kitchen. My family has a lot of junk in our house. We have useless items that we never use and they just collect dust. Well, whenever I clean, I throw things away that I don't feel are necessary because it will make life so much easier without it. So, I'm cleaning away, and I am about to throw away a tri-fold poster board that was behind the table. It was mine from the CRU CUP event, so I decided to open it and see what it looked like. WELL, when I opened it this HUGE spider crawled out. I literally screamed and jumped back. Then, I bravely lifted my shoe and killed it. I cautiously open the board again and an even bigger spider crawls out. I'm nervous about killing this one with my flip flop, so I ran to my room and got my tennis shoe. Thankfully it was still sitting there, and with one WHACK, it died. Oh man, I swear I almost had a heart attack when those things came crawling out. I just wish they would stay outside where they belong.

Alright, I must get ready for work now.

Adventure

Arkansas was wonderful. I really enjoyed watching Teaven's mom get married and meeting more of his family members. They are so funny! The beginning of the trip was probably the most awful 2 days ever, but the rest went quite smoothly. I'll write more about those 2 days some other time. Spending time with Teaven was great. We work so well together when we don't have to be separated by distance. Less than a year now! I'm stoked.

So, I have to write this devotional for the RA manual, and I feel like I'm learning a lot from it. Wedding plans and money to make those plans a reality have really been taking up most of my thoughts and making me worry(see last blog). However, I've been pointed to this verse numerous times: "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21

I can plan and plan, but no matter what God's purpose will out rule mine every time. And, honestly, I like it better that way. It's been a crazy roller coaster with Teaven's job too, but it's been awesome to see how God is working in both situations and our hearts.

We've been talking about going to Russia again. I've been wondering lately if God isn't giving Teaven an actual job quite yet because He wants us to be there next year. I don't know, but I'm excited for whatever adventure is placed before us. Instead of being fearful, I am reminded that the best place to be is in the center of God's will and leave everything else up to him.

Teaven and I saw this on the wall in a steakhouse we ate dinner at in Arkansas. We both thought it was very fitting with what God has been teaching us.

Update

I feel like all of my blogs lately have been about my engagement. I'm sorry to my readers, but this is, yet again, about my engagement.

I need prayer.

I have been seriously worrying about where the money will come from for our wedding. I am not making nearly as much as I had hoped because it's been so slow, and I'm disappointed in myself. However, I've come to the realization that I can't do this. There's no way that's going to happen. That's a good place to be for me because I come to a place of complete surrender and reliance on God. So, friends, please pray that I remain in surrender and have trust. I know that whatever happens, I'm still marrying my best friend, and my marriage needs to be more of my focus than my wedding.

Teaven and I leave for Arkansas today. His mom is getting married there. We're both really tired, so I hope we get some rest... although, we will be sleeping on air mattresses in a house that may or may not have air conditioning. :/ I'm looking forward to it. I don't know what to expect, which is a good thing, I suppose, since my counselor always told me not to have any expectations.

Other than that, I don't really know what to say because I'm super tired. I'm surprised I even updated at all.

Farewell for now. :)

Disappointment

I thought for a day that it would be possible for Teaven and I to get married. I told myself not to get too excited because I still had a lot to work out. Unfortunately, I got excited. I realized that I could be getting married in 6 short months, less than 200 days. Then, today I allowed myself to accept the fact that it's just not going to happen. There are too many factors working against us. Although I was quite disappointed, I knew it just wasn't meant to be for us. As hard as it is right now to wait and be patient, I know it will all be worth it in the end. I won't have any regrets, and I will be the happiest woman on the planet. We've waited so long already, what's another 6 months right?

I just want to marry him. I want to be able to talk late into the night and fall asleep right next to him. I don't want to have to talk to him on the phone anymore. For those of you who don't know, we're not good at long distance stuff... and Killeen isn't even that far from Belton.

However, I will be happy for every moment I have with him this summer. I will be happy to be spending my senior year at school. I will be happy that God has placed such an amazing man in my life.

One year isn't too long right?

Engagements

I started to write this really long post about how long engagements are really hard, but I need to stop. I know that God's timing is perfect for Teaven and me, but sometimes it's just really hard to wait. It's hard to watch people who got engaged after I did talk about how they have less than 100 days left when I'm still in the 400s. I keep telling myself that this next year is going to fly by, but it's honestly hard to be patient.

However, I am thankful for the choices we have made. I am thankful that we have decided to wait until I graduate, and Teaven, Lord willing, has a steady job. I know we won't regret it in the long run, but for those who know me, I'm not good with waiting. I want things to happen now. However, I have to wait and make this year the best year it can be.

It will be good.

My senior year of college... I never dreamed I'd actually make it this far.
My last year living so close to all of my friends.
My last year as an RA, which has come with some of the best friends and memories ever.
My last year to live alone... without a boy. haha.
Lots of time with some of my best friends due to wedding planning. :)

Next year this time, I'll be walking across that stage and receiving my diploma. I'll have to start looking for a real job, no more Olive Garden. :)

It'll be grand, and let me tell you, being engaged is a wonderful thing. It has brought more learning and growing than I ever imagined, and I love that boy more everyday.

Deep

Next week I will officially be done with this semester of classes. Even typing that sentence doesn't help it become a reality. I feel like I still have so much to do, and it stresses me out. At least I know that come Friday, I will be over the worst.

I've come to realize how much I love deep conversations. You know, the ones where you just open up about your life and learn about someone else's life? It's hard for me to get to this point. I've got to know that you won't judge me and that I can trust you not to leave, but when I get to this point, I just can't stop talking. haha... my close friends should know this about me. :)

Robyn and I were talking today about the reason Retta's RAs become so close. The only explanation either of us had is Jesus. I've no doubt that God has placed my closest friends in my life at the right time. Through them, I learn more about his unfailing love and mercy. I am reminded to be all I can be and to trust in God even when everything in life seems to be going wrong.

I should probably call it a night because all of the stress, exhaustion, and sappyness is starting to form into tears. I love you, friends.

Peeved

Pet peeve of the day: People who sit on their computers and watch youtube really loudly while you are trying to watch tv. Please have some respect and put in head phones. I was here first.

Period

This blog is for Robyn Allison, which I know you will find strange once you read it.

Dear Period,

I realize that someday you will help me have babies, but I truly don't appreciate the fact that you visit me more than once a month. You have visited 8 or 9 times in the last 5 months, which is entirely unacceptable.

I am tired of you causing me to puff up and feel like I way 500 pounds.

I really would prefer not to have so many pimples.

I am becoming poor because I constantly have to purchase certain items at the store that will help contain the rush of nonsense coming out of my body.

You are lucky that I am not married right now because otherwise, I would be even more pissed off that you would be keeping me from having sex.

I'm already tired enough from school, and what do you do? You decide to wear me out to the point where I can't even keep my eyes open while watching tv.

I need a break. I can't continue this up and down rollercoaster of a relationship anymore. It's unnecessary, exhausting, and expensive.

We need counseling.

Hate,
Sarah

Unmasked

Can I admit something? Are you ready?

I'm a jealous person. There, I said it. I really dislike this quality about me. Well, I'm not sure who really enjoys being jealous. I hate the feelings that come when someone tells me something that I feel I should already know. For example, today Bethany told me that she and Teaven went out to lunch before Spring Break, and for some reason, I didn't know about it. Now, I realize that it is highly possible that Teaven told me and I just forgot, but I still became jealous. Questions like, Why didn't he tell me? Why would he come to Belton to have lunch with her, but I always have to go see him? entered my mind. Now, this would be a completely different story if it was some random girl I didn't know, but I know they're just friends. I shouldn't be jealous because I go out with Josh all the time, and Teaven is fine with it. It even happens with friends every once in a while. I'll get jealous because I'm not invited to something. Why am I so insecure? Why can't I just blow it off and not care? I trust Teaven, and I know he is an amazing guy who loves me immensely. But, for some reason, I can't seem to get over my insecurities. I need a lot of reassurance, and honestly, most of the time I pretend to be stronger than I really am. I don't admit my failures. I try to hide them.

I need to accept who I am. I need Jesus.

Goals

My birthday was so wonderful!!! I was beginning to think that nobody cared about it, but God took me by surprise.

I've been realizing more and more that some things I learned in counseling have slipped my mind. One thing my counselor told me was that I needed to get rid of my expectations. Whenever I have expectations and they don't pan out the way I want, I can get really frustrated and let it affect everything. When I was conciously making an effort to have no expectations, I was much happier and things were much better, but I seemed to have forgotten all about that. That's something I'm definitely going to have to work harder to achieve.

So, I decided that I'm going to run a 5k. I'm going to do it. It's my summer goal. For some reason, I want to love running. Now, I understand that I am not good at running, but I want to be good at it. I want running to be my escape from everything. Therefore, I figure if I have a goal, I will be much more likely to find this love for running deep down inside me... and become better at it.

6 days til engagement pictures! I seriously am so excited about this. I keep talking to Teaven about what we will wear, and I think he's a little annoyed. Thank God he loves me. :)

23 days til my last final. holy. cow. I cannot believe that time passes so quickly.

Curious

I'm not really sure what to say...

I had an awesome time with Brooke on Thursday and bought some really cute new clothes.

Work on Saturday wasn't as successful because it was really slow.

Easter was pretty good. Teaven and I had a "date". We got Chili's take-out and watched The Proposal. I love those kinds of dates.. basically, I just love being with him.

I'm finally beginning to admit that I can be sensitive. I can be really sensitive. I don't know why I try to lie to myself and pretend to be something I'm not. It never works out. I take things said to me very personally, even when they're not really meant to hurt.

I'm also curious to know why my relationship with God can be such an up and down experience. One week I'm doing great; the next is not so great. Can't I just want him all the time? Why can't I always desire more time with him? Why do I let silly things stand in the way?

I have to go to class now. Typical.

Frustration

Two in one day? I know. Awesome.

Today Teaven called me and he was crying, which rarely happens. Turns out, his mentor teacher basically told him he's going to be an awful teacher and would never recommend him for a job at the high school because he doesn't want to work with someone like Teaven. Can you believe that? This guy laid it into Teaven, but there is no way in heck that he deserves it. I am furious that someone would tear him down so much. I am frustrated that I couldn't be there to comfort him. I am hurting because he is hurt. It just makes me so mad that people can be beyond rude to another person. Teaven is already stressed enough about finding a job in the Killeen area. He doesn't need any more.

I know God will work everything out, and I know that Teaven knows that. I want Satan to get his sorry little butt out of our lives. He can try as hard as he wants to bring us down, but it won't work. With Christ by our side, I know Teaven can rise above this. I just pray he can make it through the rest of the semester without being wounded again.

Lift Teaven up. He's hurting.

Faithful

I suppose it's time for a new update. Spring Break was so much fun. I loved spending time with my nieces and nephews. Unfortunately, Spring Break is over, and the school work has once again become overwhelming. I am very much looking forward to being finished with school.

I've been approached with an opportunity to babysit this summer. I'm not sure if I want to do it or not yet. I could still work at Olive Garden as well and make money to save for my wedding, but we'll see what happens.

I've been entangled in sin. I feel like a fish caught in a net. As much as I fight, I just can't seem to wiggle my way out. Everything has come to the surface lately, and I'm just so disgusted with myself. I think the net is tearing, and I can see a way out. Thankfully, our God remains faithful, even when I am faithless.

I don't really have much more to say at this point. I'm ready for consistent warm weather and playing outside all day.

Countdown:
-16 days until my birthday and camping
-24 days until engagement pictures!!!!
-41 days until my last final of the semester!

Free

Tonight, I feel so free. I feel like a thousand-pound weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and I can just breathe. It's such an amazing feeling to know things are on the right path again.

I'm not going to write much because I need to go to sleep.

God has been with me every step. I'm in his hands. Always. Forever.

"If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." Psalm 139:9-10

Thanks for your prayers.

Exhaustion

I don't even know what to say to describe everything that has happened this week. I feel so overwhelmed and exhausted. I've been hit physically, emotionally, mentally, and I'm close to the point where I just want to scream because I'm sick of it all.

I feel like an actual college student this week. The kind of college student that sits in Starbucks for hours working on homework and basically spends every moment studying for the next test. I know that's nothing to some people, but I'm exhausted. I know it will only continue through the next week, but I know God will give me the strength to persevere.

I've been hurt, and I'm not exactly sure how to handle it. I'm so frustrated and just want to relinquish all of my pent up emotions. I can't stop thinking, feeling. I just want to be held close and told I'm wonderful and beautiful... all the things I don't feel right now. I want tenderness and sensitivity.

Then, God gently whispers that I am beautiful and wonderful to him. His most precious creation. He loved me before I was born. My beauty can only be found in him, and I am searching. He is my everything. I feel so close and loved by him right now, and I don't want to lose that again. It happens so easily.

"My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare." Psalm 25:15

Sorry I'm such a Debbie downer this week.

In happier news, my countdown!
-6 days until Spring Break
-35 days until my birthday and camping!
-43 days until engagement pictures!
-60 days until I am a college senior

Snow

This week has been... well, different.

First off, it snowed on Tuesday! That's the most snow I've seen in Texas in a while. It was so much fun to play with everyone. It seemed like all of UMHB came together and played outside. You see, on a normal day, you're walking by someone you don't usually talk to and you either say "hi" or you pretend like your looking at something else. This day, however, you're walking by someone and you throw snow at them! haha! It didn't matter who you were, where you were going. It was just one big party. I love that. Bethany, Abby, Josh, and I walked out to the conference center to go sledding on our cookie sheet. It was beautiful out there. I'm surprised I've never been.

Yesterday I found out that I failed a paper. I have NEVER failed a paper. I am so disappointed in myself. When things like this happen, I begin to doubt my abilities... doubt if this is really what God wants me to do. I mean, obviously, I suck at it right? I can't let myself do that because I know that's just Satan trying to get me down. I'm over it. I am confident that this is the path I am supposed to be taking. I just have to work a little harder. It won't happen again. ever.

I sat in RA interviews this week. It was so fun! It's amazing to see how far I've come since I sat in that chair being interviewed by a panel of RDs. I've learned so much, grown so much. I've become a different person, yet stayed the same. I know God has a great team for next semester. I am praying that we will be unified like no other. I know it'll be different. I know it will take some getting used to, but I'm excited for what God has in store.

Here's some things I'm counting down for:
-14 days til my Spring Break starts.
-43 days til my birthday and camping on the beach with my wonderful friends
-51 days til engagement pictures!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't wait!
-68 days til finals are over!

Surprises

I suppose it is now time for an update on the past week since I can officially tell everyone. It's amazing to me how quickly God can change our plans. He answers hopes and dreams that we thought would never come true, and it always happens in a way that we don't expect. Exactly a week ago, I gave the entire Head RA position over to God completely. I hadn't been feeling very comfortable about it for a couple of weeks and even more so when I got the email that said I would have to live by myself in a new apartment. To some, that is extremely appealing, but I wasn't willing to compromise. Then, over the next day or two, I began praying about moving back to Burt and found that is what I really wanted. I felt a peace like no other, and I knew it could only be from God. It happened so quickly that I was left in shock at the sudden change of events. I am so happy to be going back. I am so excited about the group God has picked out for next semester.

I know I have a lot I need to work on. I know that the change from being an apartment RA to being in the dorms again won't come easy, but I'm willing to rise up to the challenge because I've no doubt in my mind that this is what God desires for my life. I don't regret coming out to the apartments. I have learned and grown so much in the past year, and I am thankful for every experience I have had here. I'm praying that God will humble me, and I will become the head RA he wants me to be. I've got a lot to learn in the next year, and I'm ready!

In other news, I've realized that I think my wedding planning will go pretty smoothly. I really can't wait for the day when I can get together with my bridesmaids and plan fun things. Mainly, because that means I will get to see my best friends, and I love the thought of that.

I feel like I just want to keep writing and writing, but nothing much has happened other than the RA stuff. I miss my friends a lot right now. It's getting harder in my apartment, but I really shouldn't talk about that.

Here

I'm always exactly where God wants me to be. I may not understand it at the time I enter a situation, but it always becomes clear. I'm here, and that's just fine. I'm here, and he's with me.

Homework

I have lots I want to talk about, but I just don't have the time right now, especially since it's 1 am and there is still homework to be done.

Some facts of the day:

1) I have more homework than I realized
2) I missed seeing one of my best friends. :(
3) I hate homework.
4) I enjoy watching Teen Mom with my sister.
5) Teaven makes me laugh really hard.

Dear Brooke,
I'm sorry my professors are lame and assign so much work for me to do. I promise I will visit soon.

I'll update more later.

Need

I'm praying about going on Beach Reach again. At the beginning of the month, I was positive that I wasn't going to go, but it just seems to keep popping into my head. I don't know what to do. I know that I haven't sought God as much as I should have where this matter is concerned. I don't want this to be a decision that is solely based on my feelings or what I think is best for me. I'm scared to commit my time. I need to find peace about my decision through Christ. To my readers, please pray for me.

I'm semi-lonely, which I know is an awful thing to say since I'm surrounded by people all the time. It's true though. I feel disconnected from life because my world has basically been consumed with homework and Olive Garden. I miss my true friends who were accountability and encouragement. I miss having deep conversations about the works God is doing in our lives. I've learned that every semester brings a change, and I just have to accept it. I know we're all where God has us, and that's all that matters. To my few readers, I miss you.

I need Jesus.

Overwhelmed

This semester is stressing me out already. I have so much to do in each of my classes that I feel overwhelmed eighty percent of the time. Sometimes I just don't think I'm cut out for this school stuff. On the plus side, I am enjoying all of my classes thus far and learning a lot.

Something about this semester is really different for me, but I haven't quite figured it out. Something's changed. Yes, I know obvious things have changed. I no longer have a roommate. Brooke moved to Austin, and Teaven moved to Killeen. But this goes deeper than the surface issues. I don't know. I'm sure I'll blog about it when I figure it out.

They have started to build the new apartments for Indepenence Village, which means they took away a majority of our parking spaces. I'm not too pleased about it, but it will be nice to have even more parking once they are finished. RA interviews are drawing near, so hopefully I'll be finding out if I got Head RA pretty soon.

Tis the season for love. People are getting engaged all the time and I see more and more wedding invitations or save the dates. I'm not going to lie. Sometimes, I get frustrated that I have to wait so long and everyone else can just prance off into the sunset even though Teaven and I have been together longer. Don't get me wrong, I am very thankful for my relationship, and I know that this will be the perfect time for us. I just need patience. I know that during this time, God is preparing us to be the husband and wife we need to be. He's teaching us more and more everyday, and I'm grateful for this time I have to learn more and draw closer to him. That's the most important part.

This has been a random blog, and now I must go do homework. Story of my life.

2009

So, I have been wanting to write a blog about all the things I've learned in 2009 and what a great year it has been, but I just can't seem to find the time to sit down and dig deep into those thoughts. 2009 was a year filled with growth, love, and friendship. After praying long and hard for a friendship that would last and be fufilling, I grew close to some amazing people who are now my best friends. I went way out of my comfort zone and traveled to South Padre Island to tell drunk college kids about Jesus. This experience opened my eyes even more to the depth of God's love for his creation. I broke down and accepted help that I didn't think I needed. In all reality, I needed it more than I ever thought and am glad for the change and growth I experienced in my life during that time. I said, "Yes!" to an amazing man who wants to spend the rest of his life with me, sometimes I'm not too sure why. :) I realized how important family truly is in my life. When I think about all of these things, I can't help but be thankful that I have a loving relationship with my Savior. I am so blessed.


I saw Allye's post in pictures and thought it was a fun idea, so thanks, Allye, for the inspiration.


January:

Teaven and I went to Oklahoma City to watch the ball drop on New Years. It was such an exciting time!

February:

I was blessed with the opportunity to babysit these cute girls everyday after school. They were such fun!

March:

I went on Beach Reach. I was stretched more than I ever thought possible. I was shown just how big and awesome our God is. This was an experience I will never forget.

April:

Formal 2009. I can easily think back 3 years ago when we were headed to his senior prom. It's amazing how far God has brought us.

May:

This day just had to have more than one picture. Pictured here are some of the most amazing women I have ever met. I spent almost everyday with them. We saw each other at our best and worst. We laughed constantly, learned fervently, and loved immensley. 1 Corinthians 13.... :)

June:

As I mentioned, I love my family. We were at a wedding in Waco. The same weekend, Katie came to visit, and we went wedding dress shopping. I can post this now because she is married!!!

July:

Teaven, Terrilynn, Bethany, and I went to Six Flags. It was loads of fun! I think we most enjoyed the tea cups. :)

August:

This month, I began my new journey as an Independence Village RA. There were times when I became so lonely for the girls at Burt, but I knew that I was exactly where God wanted me. We all went on a trip to NASA. It was lots of fun. The second picture is of my Welcome Week group "Freshman 15". It was so fun to be a part of their first week of college!

September:

According to my lack of pictures, not much happened this month. I took Katie and Grant's engagement pictures. It was fun being able to room with her the semester before she got married. Although, with nursing school and wedding planning, she became crabby at times. :)

October:

So, unlike September, October was full of wonderful things. First, Josh, Jordan, Teaven, Abby, Bethany and I went camping in Abilene! It was such a fun trip. Then, I GOT ENGAGED!!! oh man, this was the best day of my life so far. I was shocked speechless. What a wonderful month.

November:

My brother, his new wife and children all visited for Thanksgiving. I had a really good time getting to know Mellissa. I love seeing my nieces and nephews. They are such fun, and it's awesome being able to watch them grow up.

December:

My sister and her family visited from Illinois for Christmas! I love her and her kids so so much. I enjoyed the time I had with them and wish I could see them more often.